Yub Yub Commander
by Diresquirrel
Summary: My friend wanted me to write a Star Wars cross. Her Requirements: no Jedi, no standard relationships and no Xander the Hutt. Xander gets some people to dress up for Halloween as a memorial to Jesse. SG1 eventually.
1. Spike, Droids, and other Declarations

**Spike, Droids, and other Declarations**

.

.

* * *

The origin of this fic is from an online conversation with my good friend, Space Mary. Copied below is an except from said conversation, edited slightly to represent my response time to certain questions:

**SpaceMary**: you owe me a favor.  
**DireSquirrel**: Okay, shoot.  
**SpaceMary**: i want you to write me a fic  
**DireSquirrel**: you sure about that?  
**SpaceMary**: Yes  
**DireSquirrel**: what about?  
**SpaceMary**: Halloween fic, but a different one  
**DireSquirrel**: I already did one of those.  
**DireSquirrel**: I did Slayers.  
**SpaceMary**: How about Star Wars?  
**…**

**…**  
**DireSquirrel**: Okay, I guess, but "Xander as a Jedi" has been done.  
**SpaceMary**: dn't make anyone a jedi  
**DireSquirrel**: Cool, smugglers or fighter pilots right? Space Princesses? Droids? Xander the Hutt?  
**SpaceMary**: DON'TR YOU DARE!1  
**SpaceMary**: But I don't want any standard romance, but I do want romance.  
**DireSquirrel**: you know I such  
**DireSquirrel**: *suck at writing romance, that's why I don't do it.  
**SpaceMary**: please  
**SpaceMary**: ?' you owe me  
**SpaceMary**: a lot  
**…**  
**DireSquirrel**: okay, fine  
**SpaceMary**: excpt willow/tara, i like them  
**DireSquirrel**: What else?  
**SpaceMary**: I want a big cast  
**DireSquirrel**: I'm not doing a very long one, but a short one, five, six chapters at the most, not too many characters can really shine in a small fic with a big cast  
**SpaceMary**: No ficlets, but not too long id  
**SpaceMary**: *is fine  
**DireSquirrel**: not a problem, I've already got an idea  
**SpaceMary**: Why does that scare me?"  
**DireSquirrel**: because you've known me for a long time? Don't forget you're the one who asked me to do this

Later, **SpaceMary** would read the first chapter. This was her response:

**SpaceMary**: i hate you.  
**DireSquirrel**: but this makes us even right? We had a deal? One favor, one fic? Right? Right?

**SpaceMary**, if you're reading, this, I'm really, _really_, sorry, but everyone needs to know this isn't my fault. You planted the idea in my head, so you can take the blame.

* * *

"Well, since thanks to Snyder we can't just hang out anymore for Halloween, I was thinking…" Xander said, trailing off a little. He paused just long enough for Willow to know he had an idea, specifically an idea that she wasn't going to like.

"What?" she asked. It was always better to get him to just go right out and say it. It usually caused less mental anguish in the end. Never none, but it frequently cushioned the blow.

"I just thought that this is the first Halloween that Jesse isn't going to be here with us," Xander said. "And I thought that, to honor him, maybe we could…I don't know…maybe we could go with one of his group costume ideas."

"Xander, they were always bad ideas," Willow said. Goodness knows, Jesse was like a brother to her and Xander, but well, he was like a _brother_ to Willow and Xander. That meant they were able to be honest about each other's flaws, and occasionally beat each other up without any hard feelings (or even frequently beat each other up for fun, depending on the week). Jesse always had a warped sense of cool, even Willow and Xander knew that. Sometimes what passed for Jesse's personal preference could warp and horrify even the geekiest of geeks.

"It has to be better than going as a ghost again…" Xander said teasingly. "And we could get some others to take part, too. You know, to honor Jesse's memory."

Willow stared at him for a long moment. "Xander…you are a horrible manipulative person."

"So you'll do it?"

"… … …yes…"

"Yay!"

* * *

"Hey Buff," Xander said in an overly cheerful voice. Buffy cringed as her Slayer Sense started tingling in that oh-no-something-bad-is-coming way.

"Hey Xander, what's up?"

"Oh, Willow and I were going to dress up together and we were wondering if you'd like to take part," Xander said. "It's to honor Jesse. It's the first Halloween without him."

"Awe, I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I keep forgetting how much he meant to you."

"It's not your fault," Xander said. "I mean, it's not like you knew him real well. He died just after you got here and then got turned and all that. It's not that big a deal. I mean, you've got no reason to feel guilty about this, or anything."

"Look, just because I didn't know him well doesn't mean I don't care about you guys," Buffy said with a sympathetic look. "I'd be honored to take part."

"Thanks Buff," Xander said. "That means a lot."

* * *

"What are you moping about, Lame-o?" Cordelia Chase bluntly inquired in her usual arrogant manner. Xander looked up with a very sad (and very fake) expression on his face.

"It's the first Halloween without Jesse," he said in a tone just sad enough to be believable, and not to heavy so as to sound like depression. Cordelia knew something was wrong. Everyone knew she didn't like hearing about her stalkers. But this, this was almost like a sixth sense telling her there was something was extraordinarily dangerous about continuing the conversation. Cordy decided to go her usual route: rudeness.

"So?"

"He-he really liked Halloween," Xander said. "He had all these ideas, and now, well, now he won't be able to do any of them. I just, I just wish that more people would, just this Halloween, follow one of his ideas."

Neither one heard anything, but if they _had_ been paying attention, they would have heard one single voice in the background say: "Done."

"Okay, fine, I'll do it," Cordy said. "But you better believe I'm not suffering alone! And I don't do comic books! No superheroes or tights or primary colors or underwear on the outside! Not happening!"

"Oh, that's fine," Xander said, abruptly feeling better about it all. "Maybe you could recruit some more people so you won't suffer alone?"

"That's a good idea," Cordelia said. "If I make the plans it doesn't look like I'm suffering, just making them suffer. That could work and elevate my standing..."

"Great! I'll order the costumes, but everybody has to buy their own," Xander said.

"Oh, that won't be a problem," Cordy said with an evil grin.

* * *

**_Ethan's Costume Shop, later on:_**

"You want _how many_ of these?" Ethan asked the teen with an utterly confused look. Xander told him the number and nodded eagerly.

"With some variation in the characters, we don't want any repeats," Xander said. "It's in honor of a friend who died last year."

"Oh, well in that case, I'll double my efforts," Ethan replied with a smile that seemed a little…mean. "I can promise you this will be a Halloween to remember forever."

"Thanks, that's exactly what I'm looking for!"

"They'll be ready the day before Halloween," Ethan promised. "I'll even cut you a deal."

"You sir, are a scholar and a gentleman," Xander said with a grin of thanks. Ethan smirked as the boy ran out the front door.

"Oh, if you only knew child," Ethan said. "If you only knew."

* * *

Later, Harmony Kendall discovered that she needed to buy a whole bunch of costumes with her Daddy's credit card. She didn't even know what the costumes were, but they were cute. Maybe Cordelia's idea of Go-As-A-Geek plan was going to be cool. At least they weren't going as Trekkies, cuz unitards are just so…ugh! Well, the go-go boots are okay, but only for special occasions.

The nice British man helped her load up the car and off she went to where the whole group was dressing up: The Sunnydale High Library.

Willow should have known what to expect. Buffy should have had an inkling at least. Cordy had her suspicions, but wasn't ready for the real thing.

"You-you want us to dress up as _**EWOKS?**_?" Cordelia yelled at the top of her lungs.

"It was Jesse's idea," Xander said pitifully. "And you did promise."

"Fine!" Cordy said, stomping to the stacks to change with the Cordettes.

Raising her hand, Amy asked: "Am I the only one who thinks it's a little weird that Cordelia knows what an Ewok is?"

"No, you're not the only one," commented Jenny Calendar. "I guess I'll go try it on for tomorrow."

"Xander, why did you procure one for me?" Giles asked.

"Not just you," Xander said. "Miss Calendar, Joyce and you. You said nothing happens on Halloween anyways, so why not try a little extra and be wild?"

"You got one for mom?" Buffy asked.

"Why not? The more the merrier!"

* * *

Aura was not pleased. "Cordy, when you said you'd pick the costumes, you didn't say you'd let Xander "**Manure-For-Fashion™**" Harris pick the costumes."

"I promised, he guilted me into it," Cordy replied.

"I think they're cute," Harmony said. "It's like we're all a bunch of cuddly teddy bears. Not as cute as unicorns, but pretty cute."

"And thank you Harmony for the five year old response," said Aphrodesia.

"I'm not five years old, I'm sixteen!"

"I was referring to your mental age," she replied.

"Cordy! She's being mean to me again!"

"Then stay away from her! And stop acting like I'm your mother!"

* * *

"Here you go Dawnie," Xander said, handing the girl a costume. "Your character is Winda Warrick." He turned to her mother and handed Joyce a similar package. "Joyce, you're Shodu Warrick, healer and mother figure."

"Xander, are you really sure about this? I'm a little old for a costume like this," Joyce said. "And I was never as into Star Wars as Hank was."

"Dad liked Star Wars?" Dawn asked as if it was a revelation of galactic surprise.

"Yes, he forced me to see all three movies in the theaters," Joyce said. "He even dressed up for the third one and had Buffy dress up as a little Princess Leia. She was about two at the time."

"And that's something I never knew about Dad," Dawn Summers said. "Not too sure how to process that. Also, I want pictures."

"Simple costume change will do you some good," Xander said. "I'll go hand these out."

"Who's Chief Chirpa?" Joyce asked.

"Oh, I don't think anyone," Xander said. "Cordy's going as Princess Kneesaa, his daughter though. She'd kill me if she went as anyone less than royalty after getting her into this."

"She'd better not," Buffy said, coming down the stairs in full Ewok regalia. "Who am I supposed to be?"

"Paploo, a Ewok so awesome that he-er-she stole a speeder bike and learned how to drive it in almost no time," Xander said. Buffy squinted, hoping she hadn't misheard him, but hey, who can tell genders on an Ewok? Xander handed her a plastic model of a 74-z speeder bike. "This was Jesse's. His mother gave it to me after what happened."

"Thanks," Buffy said, looking at the obscure object in her hand, "I think. What are you going as?"

"Lieutenant Kettch, Ewok X-Wing pilot and mascot of Wraith Squadron," was Xander's quick reply. "A semi-fictional character who was thought up as a joke. I'm taking it back and living the legend."

"Xander! They're all fictional characters," chided Willow from the stairs, miraculously not dressed as a ghost. She was instead dressed as Asha, a red haired female Ewok warrior.

"What about Giles?" Buffy asked.

"Logray, the mystical leader and second to Chief Chirpa," Xander said.

"You have every costume with a background and everything, don't you?" Joyce asked with a bemused smile.

"Jesse did all the hard work, I just printed them out and included a few extra with each costume," Xander said. "It's how he would have wanted it."

"How do you even remember all these little facts? In History class you couldn't even remember when the War of 1812 started!" Willow said with a pout. She crossed her now furry arms and glared.

"Hey, if history was half as interesting, I'm sure I'd remember it," Xander said.

* * *

Halloween night started out normal with everyone walking about as Ewoks, herding kids like cattle and giving advice to all their charges.

In Ethan's Costume Shop, Ethan Rayne was making sure this would be a Halloween to remember.

Show time!

* * *

Spike walked through the area, having been informed that the Slayer was going to be small tonight by his dead-and-walking lady love Drusilla. He and a few new minions, including about five Draculas, three "living" vampires, and a stupid White Wolf Tremere (they were all just bloody irritating), the master vampire started hunting down the Slayer.

But Halloween wasn't like a normal Halloween. No; chaos, murder, mob mentality and general lawlessness was rampant through the town. Spike just looked around and grinned.

"Well this is just…neat!"

His amusement was not long lasting, however. He was cut off by an Ewok on an honest-to-goodness hover bike that threatened to careen out of control. He was then nearly trampled by about twelve other members of the species, all wielding stone and wooden weapons as they chased after the speeder bike.

"Not something you see every day, that," Spike said in amazement. He noticed the light go out on the street. Glancing up, he realize the light was just blocked by your standard AT-ST walker that was making its way down Sunnydale's main street in a jagged, drunken fashion. As it passed by, a wookie with a bandoleer of thermal detonators chased after it, bellowing out something the vampire couldn't understand.

"Bloody hell! I haven't had a trip this good since I ate that bird at Woodstock!" Spike said with a slightly demented grin on his face. Sitting on a bench to enjoy the show he was quickly accosted by C-3PO and R2-D2.

"Excuse me sir," said the ever polite droid, "But have you see our companions? They are short, furry and like to stab things with stone spears."

"They went that way, mate," Spike said. The shorter droid Beeped and Booped a little. The taller droid gave it a whack to the back of the "skull"

"How rude! I cannot believe you just said that to someone you just met!" Threepio said, obviously embarrassed. "I'm sorry, sir, but my companion had a bit of an attitude problem."

"No worries," Spike said, waving them off. The two droids shuffled down the street after the Ewoks. "Best bloody trip ever. Who did I eat last? Should have saved some for Dru."

* * *

Aside from discovering his sudden change in sex, Paploo was having a wonderful time. He used to be male, but now he found himself in a quite clearly female body. He was also in a very strange land. The trees were small, and the ground houses were very large and colorful. But best of all, Paploo had her speeder bike back.

The old bike had crashed after a mishap involving an AT-ST, two of the white armored humans and a large vat of liquefied dung. It was good to be back.

"It looked like the empire is trying to invade," Paploo said to herself as she buzzed around a corner. "Although I never knew Stormtroopers that tripped over sidewalks."

Warren Mears had dressed up in a Storm Trooper costume he bought from Party Town. It had been fine up until a little while ago when his robot girlfriend (who was wearing a Xena costume he bought from Ethan's) had jumped up and started decapitating what looked like demons and started cackling in ancient greek. He didn't understand a word.

Otherwise Halloween was pretty good. He took a break from shepherding the kids around and sat down on a bench that looked down the main drag. He noticed something headed towards him at a very high rate of speed.

"Oh, my god! Is that a speeder bike? That is the best Paploo costume ever!" Warren yelled, jumping to his feet. Unfortunately for him, he was holding his replica Imperial Blaster in his hands. The tip of the speeder glowed for a second before shooting out a green blast of energy. Warren's eyes went wide as he stared dumbfounded at the remains of the bench he was sitting on just a moment before. He was very lucky Paploo had bad aim. "Oh, shit!"

Warren wisely ran into an alleyway. It would have helped if he had been up against someone in a car or a motorbike. The sad reality is that hover bikes, well, hover and can nearly fly for short distances. The 74-Z could go up to 25 meters, much more than the average Sunnydale building. By the time Warren reached the other side, Paploo was waiting for him.

Panicking, Warren wrenched off his helmet and tossed it aside.

"It's just a costume! I give up!"

Paploo said something, but Warren couldn't hear it over the hum of the Speeder bike's engine. It might have been "yub, yub."

* * *

Closer to Sunnydale High School, Logray and his fellow mystic Kaink were dealing with a different problem. There were big metal demons moving all over the place. Naughty metal demons with their rolling legs and light up eyes. Teaming up, Kaink used her magic staff to blow one of them sky high. Logray, well versed in the magical arts of the Force, lifted one of the demons and threw it unceremoniously on top of the large building of learning. They quickly realized there were move of the demons around, but seemed to be sleeping, so the two mystics paid them no mind. It was time to find the youth of the Bright Tree Village and find some way to return to their forest home.

This new world was very strange. Both Logray and Kaink felt much younger than they should have been, decades younger. It was strange to have such vast levels of experience and yet live in such inexperienced bodies. The dichotomy was intriguing.

He could hear a commotion from not far away, perhaps just on the other side of those strangely large buildings. Indeed, he could see young Paploo on her speeder bike pointing at a human in white stormtrooper armor. He was waving his hands as if to surrender. He was also a little short for a stormtrooper.

As he and Kaink marched across the strange ground (it was black and grey with yellow and white lines drawn on it; humans were so strange) a number of other Ewoks arrived through a space between the human buildings.

"Paploo, what is going on?"

"I have caught a Stormtrooper," Paploo responded. "He can tell us many things."

"But you can not speak the language of the Empire," Kaink mentioned incredulously. "Only the Golden One can truly translate between our peoples."

"I do not know if the Golden One is with us," Paploo said.

"I have seen him," announced a freshly arrive Princess Kneesaa. "He is with the slow round one."

"I'll find him," volunteered Wicket, brandishing his spear and running off in the direction in which they came.

Wicket was considered to be one of the bravest scouts of the Bright Tree Village. It was he who made friends with the humans who helped save the village from the Evil Empire and who negotiated the peace treaty with some of the other intelligent inhabitants of the forest moon of Endor.

Wicket found the Golden One marching down the road at his usual slow pace. For a god he was very slow.

"Golden One! Princess Kneesaa and Logray need your help in interrogating a prisoner," Wicket announced. The Golden One's short, blue and white companion trilled a question.

"No, I don't think this is Endor," the Golden One replied to his friend. "Yes, investigating the location is very important. Why don't we ask the prisoner for the location of a data port?" Artoo trilled his agreement and soon enough the trio were back to the rest of the Ewoks from Bright Tree Village.

* * *

Spike was having the time of his unlife. This had to be the greatest Halloween ever. He was having such a great time hanging with a Wendigo pair, helping eviscerate kids with tiny red demons and even draining the blood from some adults for some really wicked rituals (some of which he'd never seen before) that he entirely forgot about the Slayer become small and Dru's prophesy. He didn't however, forget about Dru. He got a camera and videotaped the whole thing.

"Dru, love, this here bird calls herself Alice," Spike said, holding up a young blonde teen who was indeed trussed up like the eponymous character from Lewis Carroll's famous work. "I'm bringing her home a bit later and we can see if she really can do all those impossible things before breakfast."

He tossed the girl to some of his minions who delighted in hauling her back to their lair. Spike then panned around so his sire could get a good view of the carnage. "Bloody Hell Dru, haven't seen anything quite like this since I did that Slayer back during the Boxer Rebellion. Whoever arranged this was bloody brilliant!"

Spike then went on to detail the specifics on some of the night's events of murder and mayhem. "Oh, and I know how much you like Jedi, so I thought I'd mention there's a whole bunch of Ewoks running around waving spears and such. Saw Threepio and Artoo around here too. At first I thought I was just tripping like back at Woodstock, but it's bloody real!"

Spike moved over and picked up another present he picked up for her: a child sized Godzilla that actually had radiation breath and the whole deal. "Got a pet. Might not have a model of Tokyo Tower for a scratching post, but mini-Gojira here is gonna be great. I didn't even know these guys were real! Wonder if she'll grow to full size?"

"Well, Dru, I'm on my way back so we can head out on the town for real! You'll love it!"

* * *

Warren was surrounded by Ewoks. These weren't costumes, but flesh and blood Ewoks with nasty sharp pointy sticks. And about twelve of those pointy sticks were very close to his unprotected neck. When they started getting excited about something, he didn't dare turn around to see what they were looking at, but whatever it was, it must be important.

"Oh dear, a stormtrooper," said a clipped British accent behind him. He knew that accent.

"It's just a costume," Warren said. "I'm not really a storm trooper. My gun is plastic, see for yourself."

"Oh it is," said the voice from behind him. The same voice then spoke in another language. "Ook! Wah oopa Kuut!"

With those words, the spears almost instantly left his throat. Warren rubbed his neck and turned around to see the face of his savior. "HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD! C-3PO? R2-D2? How is this possible? You're not just a costume-you-you're real!"

"You know who we are? Odd, because we have never met you before," the golden droid commented, a little confused at the situation.

"But-you-how can you be here? What's going on?" Warren asked, more than a little confused. The taller droid was about to respond, but his shorter companion trilled and beeped.

"Yes, a dataport is a priority," Threepio commented. "Young man, you wouldn't happen to know where we could connect to a data port, would you?"

"Uh, dataport, well, the high school has a connection to the internet, maybe that could help?"

Artoo beeped in agreement.

"Oh, great, I'll show you," Warren said, walking towards Sunnydale High. "And uh, if it isn't too much trouble, would you mind letting me get a copy of your programming? I'm working on droids myself, but the programming is…well, you guys are so far beyond anything I can build. I just want to get to the next step."

Threepio turned to his companion who trilled in response. "My companion says that would be a fair trade for the use of your dataport."

"Oh, wow, that, that would be awesome," Warren said. "Now I just need to make space on, well, I'll just have to use the school's server. And maybe link some of the computers to…" he yammered away, muttering about what exactly he would need.

Asha leaned over to another warrior and whispered in his ear. "Can't we just kill it and get on with it?"

The warrior shook his head. "No, the Golden One has spoken."

With a sigh, Asha marched with all the others into the human building where the human connected Artoo to the internet. The little Droid was suddenly very worried about his well being. He could not find any information about droids that wasn't anecdotal or totally wrong. Concerned for his own well being, Artoo uploaded his memory and a how-to manual for droid construction and repairs to the internet.

* * *

Far above Sunnydale, three starships were flying over, and the pilots were rather alarmed at the distinct lack of com service or normal human technology. Lt. Kettch, Pilot Kolot and Tarfang realized they were nearly alone, with only a few of their own people remaining in the town below. Choosing to save themselves, they landed at the town's air port, alarming the attendants. Those particular attendants were even more alarmed when three Ewoks clamored out of the spacecraft. An avid Lucas fan, the night watchman fainted dead away.

* * *

Mayor Richard Wilkins was looking out the window at all the Halloween festivities. It always warmed his heart to see so many people having fun. It was rather rare in Sunnydale, after all. But he was especially surprised when he saw three King Kongs climbing up the side of Sunnydale National Bank and roar out challenges, only to be shot by Ewoks with blasters set to stun. The King Kong's fell asleep atop the bank's roof and the Ewoks continued on their way, soon followed by three astromech droids.

"Gosh," said Wilkins to himself. "Now that's something you don't see every day."

* * *

When pilots Kettch, Kolot and Tarfang arrived at Sunnydale High School, they found their compatriots confronting a confounding individual by the name of Snyder, who was quite displeased at their presence.

"Go away you horrid things! I don't care what you want!" the undesirable human snarled. Kettch stunned him with a blaster bolt.

"Yub yub!" declared Princess Kneesaa decisively, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Ooo chi wamma! Wi poo!" announced Logray with a wave of his hand.

"Koo tamna ki sa wiiikeet!" agreed Kaink with a nod of her head.

Warren leaned over and whispered to Threepio. "What are they saying?"

"Oh, I believe they have declared a holy war on the demons," Threepio replied. "I don't really know about what demons they speak of."

Warren paused before replying. "Actually that would explain a lot about this town." He glanced around. "I wonder where April got to?"

* * *

April the lovebot, thinking she was Xena, was drinking beer at a place called "Willy's". Every once in a while someone would approach her, and she would punch them before going back for another swig. People didn't bother her after that.

Hearing an explosion outside the bar, patrons either looked out to see what was going on, or ran to the secret escape routes in the back. April/Xena did neither, simply continued drinking beer until long after the room was spinning.

* * *

Warren discovered that the "demons" Logray spoke of were in fact cars and trucks. And the Holy War was doing some serious damage against them. Paploo had the highest score, using her speeder bike to shoot them from a distance, but the others were no slouches either, using stone axes and spears to bust tires, break windows and dent fenders. When one was done, they'd continue onto the next one. Humans and the other…creatures that were out and about quickly learned to give the Ewok clan a wide berth.

Dru and Spike took a long look at the mayhem caused by their furry friends…and then they helped out.

By the time the sun rose on November First, there wasn't a working car or truck in the town.

* * *

Across town, Spike and Drusilla got back to their lair just as the sun was rising and discovered a most horrific sight.

"Bloody Hell!" Spike screamed. "My DeSoto!"

Drusilla cheered him up a little later when they discovered that Alice could do six impossible things before breakfast.

* * *

At the Summers' house, Angel was standing around confused as to why no one had come home. He brooded about it and then went back to his hole in the ground.

* * *

Inside Sunnydale High School, Warren found himself standing next to the restored Andrew and Tucker, in their C-3PO and R2-D2 costumes respectively. Tucker awoke to find his finger jammed in a modem slot. It hurt a bit. Pulling it back out hurt a lot.

* * *

Also with the rising of the sun was the end of the night of All Hallow's Eve and the magic imposing the costume's persona on the wearer ended. Not everything stopped, however. The Ewoks, the costumes having been a special order to Ethan's Costume Shop were specially made. Although their human minds returned, their human bodies did not.

"Hey, does anyone else want to go pound some helmets and celebrate, or is that just me?" asked Devon.

"Not just you," said Oz. "Maybe the dance too."

Buffy, Willow, Joyce, Dawn, Giles, and Amy were all glaring at Xander

"Not my fault!"

"Then whose is it?"

"Um, when we return to our real bodies, do I get to keep the speeder bike?" Buffy asked.

"And my freighter?" asked a random student who had dressed as Tarfang at the behest of Cordelia.

"We're so cute!" squealed Harmony happily. Nearly everyone else looked at her like she was either stupid or insane, or possibly both.

Cordelia Chase, still in the form of Princess Kneesaa, wrapped both hands around Xander's furry neck and squeezed.

"Xander Harris," she snarled, "I want to hurt you in ways that haven't even been invented yet."

"uerghk!" said Xander.

* * *

Names and Characters:  
*means Ethan's shop costume

Buffy: Paploo—Ewok speeder bike pilot*  
Xander: Lieutenant Kettch—Ewok X-Wing pilot*  
Willow: Asha—Ewok warrior with rare red hair, Eldest princess of Bright Tree Village.*  
Giles: Logray—Ewok mystic leader, Force user*  
Jenny: Kaink—Ewok priestess, Force user*  
Warren: Party Town stormtrooper  
Andrew: C-3PO*  
Tucker: R2-D2*  
Jonathan: Grael—Ewok Force User*  
Oz: Kolot—Ewok X-Wing Pilot*  
Devon: Wicket W. Warrick—Ewok, first to meet Leia*  
Sam (Dingo): AT-ST Pilot 1—Ewok*  
Dingo 4: AT-ST pilot 2—Ewok *  
Cordelia: Princess Kneesaa—Ewok, Second Princess of Bright Tree Village and heir to throne, Force sensitive*  
Harmony: Weechee—Ewok, evil princess, *  
Aphrodesia: Wunka—Ewok, Imperial Gunner, *  
Aura: Tokkat—Ewok, Imperial Gunner*  
Gwen Ditchik: Batcheela—Ewok, named for wind deity*  
Joyce: Shodu Warrick—Ewok, Wicket's mother*  
Dawn: Winda—Ewok, Wicket's little sister*  
Amy Madison: Rakra—Ewok priestess, Force sensitive*  
Larry: Tarfang—Ewok freighter pilot and smuggler*  
Dog Boy: Random Wookie with thermal detonators*  
10 other random Sunnydalers: 10 random Ewoks*

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

I own none of these characters. George Lucas and Joss W. do, however. If you don't recognize the characters, most are from the Ewok movies from the 80s. And yes, Lucas does consider them cannon.

Special thanks goes to **Greywizard **for all the help.


	2. Ferretti and Alien Lexicons

**Ferretti and Alien Lexicons**

.

.

* * *

"WHAT IN HELL IS GOING ON?" yelled Aura at the top of her lungs, her furry body heaving in exhaustion from the night of car destroying activity and fury.

"I do believe that we have all turned into Ewoks," Giles said, sitting down on the curb and massaging his forehead. From somewhere, he pulled out his glasses and slipped them onto his nose. Spectacles on an Ewok was an odd sight.

"Oh, it'll be fine," Aphrodesia said. "It's only temporary. I mean, it's not like this can last forever, right? We're just going to go back. It's probably all a weird dream. Like those dreams with giant pancakes falling out of the sky."

"No, I'm sure it's just fine," Giles said. "And global warming will cease on its own. Oh, and vampires will start staking themselves to save us the trouble. I also expect that English Football hooligans will just say: go ahead Germany, you can have the Cup."

"Sarcasm isn't helping anyone," Buffy said with a grim look.

"I don't know, it frequently helps me deal," Xander said. "That and Twinkies. I like Twinkies."

Aura was trying to pull her fur off like it was a costume.

It hurt.

A lot.

"It's just a costume," she said, still plucking at her overly hirsute body.. "It's probably just stuck on. A long soak will solve that."

"Oh, I hardly think that will do anything," Giles said unhelpfully.

"Rupert," Jenny said in a tone that most people in relationships learn to fear very early on. It promised repercussions and possible holding back of certain…activities. "We owe them an explanation."

"Yes, very well," he said standing up. He stepped up onto a bench so he could tower over the collected members of their new species. "The world is older than you know. Humans weren't the dominant species in the earliest times. There were demons, and then they were chased out, leaving only the tainted demons behind. The last true demon mixed his blood with that of a human, creating the first vampire."

"And this is the Hellmouth," Buffy said. "Which is kinda like Disneyland for vamps with walking meals."

"Meals?" asked Harmony.

"Yur blud; they vont to driink yur blud," Xander said, in his best Ewok-As-Dracula impression.

"That's not true," Gwen said. "That's impossible."

"Hardly," Buffy said.

"Buffy, you knew about this?" Joyce asked.

"Knew about it? Mom, she told you about it, and you and Dad threw her in an asylum," Dawn said. "She's the Vampire Slayer."

"How do _you_ know about that?" Buffy asked as Giles, Jenny, Xander, Willow turned to look at the youngest Summers. Dawn just shrugged.

"_meh_. I read your diary," she said as if it were completely obvious. Buffy had a sudden desire to strangle her furry little sister.

"No," Joyce said. "It's got to just be some kind of nightmare!"

"Nope," Buffy said. "We're furry. We're short. We're really good with spears and I've got a speeder bike. It's all real. That reminds me, I wonder if vamps burn from laser blasts?"

Willow and Xander looked at each other and then raised their hands. "I want to ride on the speeder!" they said in unison. Willow glared at her oldest friend.

"You've already got an X-Wing," she said accusatorially. "You don't get a vote."

"So, uh," Larry said. He was a little alarmed about what was happening, but seemed to be accepting it, or at least denying that it was a big problem. Denial was the first stage of grief. "What about school?"

"Xander, where did you get these costumes?" Giles asked, ignoring the jock.

"Oh, it's a place called Ethan's Costume Shop," the boy replied. "I made a special order."

Giles's face, in the form of Logray, grew dark and held a tinge of anger that the Scoobies had never seen before. He began marching in the general direction of downtown Sunnydale.

"Uh, guys," Larry said. "I really need that scholarship or else I can't go to college."

"Oh, and how do you propose that we get an Ewok on the team?" Cordy snarled, speaking up for the first time in a while. "I might note that all but one of the Sunnydale Cheering Squad is currently short and furry? We're the face of the school! They can't do anything without us."

"Except for just about everything," Willow said honestly.

"Oh bite me Red Ghost!"

"Bring it Princess!"

Xander paused it. "As much as I really want to see two mostly naked chicks fight, can it wait until we're human again and I've popped popcorn?"

Xander quickly discovered the two girls were much faster than they were previously. The butt end of Willow's spear impacted with his right cheek, and Cordy's furry fist impacted on his left. Xander then unwisely chose to comment on that. "Does anyone else notice they're really much more physical than they used to be?"

* * *

Not very long after this, Ethan Rayne found himself being assaulted by furry humanoids with stone weapons. He wisely ran away, but not for long because there isn't really anywhere to go in a town that size with no working cars or trucks. Buffy found him quite quickly on her speeder bike.

"Ethan," snarled an Ewok with a skull on its head. "Oo pa wook whamma chu!"

"Sorry, haven't a bloody clue what you said other than my name," Enthan said honestly. "Can you say that in English?"

"Ooo Kii sha mooshoo shriii ppt!"

"Sorry, mate, not a bit clearer," the mage said with a grin.

Giles, still in his Logray form, suddenly realized that he could understand English easily, but could no longer speak it. He responded by beating Ethan with the butt end of his staff. When the chaos mage was unconscious, he turned to the Scooby Gang, plus others. "Take everything, we're going to need it if we are going to break the spell."

"But where? We can't take it to school looking like this! Snyder would call the cops on us or have us shot!" Buffy protested.

"Very well," Giles admitted. "We'll go to your place. No point in keeping this a secret from Joyce any longer."

"Yes, the time for secrets has long since passed," Joyce said from behind Buffy with a disapproving, if cute and furry, look on her face.

"Yes, well I'll be taking a few to gather the more sensitive texts from the school," Giles said. He glanced at ten random Ewoks. "You've been nominated. Come along."

The Dingos looked at each other, shrugged, and followed the furry librarian.

Ethan must have been faking, because as soon as their backs were turned, he vanished again, this time with a touch of magic.

* * *

"I shall continue to research, but until then, we shall have to remain as is," Giles said. "For now, we should find a place for us all to stay. As much as I appreciate Joyce's hospitality, this is unfortunately not large enough for forty Ewoks."

"Abandoned factory?" suggested Oz.

"Too Moloch," said Willow.

"Sunnydale High attic?" asked Devon.

"Too crazy invisible girl," said Cordelia. Yeah, as if she was going to be seen like this.

"My house?" asked Amy Madison.

"Too small," said Joyce.

"I know a place that might just work," commented Xander.

"No more ideas from you," snarled Cordy as she crossed her arms. "You're the one who got us in this problem in the first place.

"We should perhaps investigate all avenues at this juncture," Giles said, splitting up the brewing fight.

* * *

"This was your plan?" asked Buffy in as incredulous a tone as she could manage. "I died here."

"True," Xander said. "But there's fresh water, plenty of space for people our size and lots of rooms. Once it becomes a home, Vamps won't be able to come in. We can put in a skylight and maybe some other things. It's big enough so we can bring the whole library here too!"

As one might have guessed, Xander had brought the accidental Ewok tribe to the Master's abandoned cave. It was structurally sound, having withstood a number of earthquakes and was magically defensible against the fangy undead. It was very churchy too.

"Hey," said Oz. "Nice acoustics."

"Yeah, we should play down here some time," Devon said.

"But what about the AT-ST? It's not like we can just keep it running on the meter above ground," Sam, the third Dingo, commented. "I've spent fifteen bucks already on the thing. Takes up two spaces."

He had gone as one of the two Ewoks who had taken over said Imperial Walker with Chewbacca in Jedi. The last dingo nodded in agreement. He had gone as the other one.

"I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone."

Everyone looked at Jonathan with surprise. He shrugged. "It fits. …And I like Ghostbusters."

"I for one," Giles said, pushing his glasses up on his furry face, "Fully agree with what Jonathan just said."

"You like Ghostbusters, or you don't like the place?"

"Yes," said Jenny Calendar grimly.

"Vetoed," Cordy said, looking down at Xander with royal furry superiority.

* * *

After briefly consulting his books, Giles had to admit that he could not divine any method of reversing the transformation without much greater study.

"But it worked for everyone else?" Willow said, having noted that others were no longer in their costume forms.

"I can only assume that something more drastic has occurred," Giles replied. "It would be best not to tempt fate until we know more about our transformation. I will not be attempting to change anything until I know more."

"You mean we have to stay like this?" demanded Aura in a furious tone. Even if she did get a big ray gun, she was still a little pissed.

"We can't just stay out in the open," commented Joyce. "And my house was cramped with three humans, much less forty Ewoks."

"It is a problem," Giles pondered. "Perhaps we could store all our things at your house? Would that be a problem?"

"I don't mind," Joyce said. "Clothing won't fit, but we can save everything else. I own the house outright and don't have a mortgage."

"Good, good," Giles said.

"Do we really need the clothes?" Amy asked. "All we're wearing are hoods and it's worked so far."

Suddenly everyone was very self-conscious about how naked they were. If they were human, they would have long since been arrested as an unruly, streaking mob. Luckily for them, this was Sunnydale and the police didn't care.

"It's cool," said Oz.

"How is it cool?" Aura asked, fully furious.

"Fur," said Oz, as if it explained everything. When it clearly didn't explain everything. "We can be naked _and_ wear fur."

"Ooooh," the Cordettes said in sudden understanding. Well, except for Harmony, she just giggled.

* * *

"Wow, these books are a lot heavier when you're only three feet tall," Xander said from behind a growing stack of books. The Scooby Gang had been elected to procure the library to prevent others from using it. It was an arduous task.

"Yes Xander," Giles said. "Which is why we have the hand carts."

"I don't see any difference," Buffy said, hefting a pile that was quite literally bigger than she was..

"And it's good to know Buffy's still the Slayer," Willow commented. Xander eyed his red furry friend warily.

"I don't see you having too much trouble, little miss Red Ghost," Xander commented. Willow grinned and hauled out another load.

"You know," Buffy said. "We're doing this in broad daylight while school is in session, why isn't anyone noticing?"

And that made them all pause.

"That is a very good question," Giles agreed. "Even Snyder has yet to accost us."

"Well, that might be partly because Snyder woke up on the roof in his car," Cordelia said. At their gasps of surprise, she shrugged and waved dismissively. "It's not like it was a secret. The cops all think he was drunk."

"Well, perhaps some good could come of this," Giles commented. Heads turned at the sound of volumes and an Ewok falling down the stairs.

"Why do you have twelve copies of War and Peace?" Xander asked from under them.

"Do you really have to ask?"

"Yes," Xander said as he extricated himself from the pile. "Yes I do."

On the roof, fire crews were just then setting up to hoist the trapped principal from the car. He was remarkably well for someone who looked like he was driving in a giant ball of tinfoil with wheels.

Snyder was not amused.

* * *

"So, there's officially no room in my house," Joyce said as they inspected the very precise pathways between towering piles. Even a normal height human wouldn't be able to fit between the stacks, so twisted and winding were the paths. They were almost Seussian in their precariously perched placement of box on clocks on locks and socks on nicks and knacks and swords gone snicker snack, standing in such a vague sense of balance that the slightest motion should have sent them tumbling down.

"Yup," said Oz with a nod. He had been helping her with the stacking.

"Um, where are we going to live now?" Devon asked. "We never really sorted that out."

"Yeah, should be a priority," commented Oz.

"Does anyone else know why we aren't freaking out?" asked Aura as she stuffed one last box into a crevice in the corner.

"If you think about it, we should be going nuts," Devon said.

"Speak for yourself," snarled Aphrodesia. "Cordy should have killed Harris. My house! My parents! This can't possibly be happening!"

"It is," Oz said unhelpfully. "Live with it."

Joyce just gave him a look. He did feel a little chagrinned.

"As it is, Oz is right, there is a problem," Joyce said. "However, we don't know what is going to happen and when. We should learn as much as possible."

"I've got it!" Dawn said, running out of the stacks with a huge book in her hands.

"What?" Sam asked, looking over her shoulder.

"It's a spell," Dawn said. "It makes plants grow big."

"How does that help us?" Devon asked, honestly confused.

"Where did Ewoks live on Endor?"

"Uh…in trees?" the Dingoes' lead singer asked.

"Yup," Dawn said. "Really, really big trees. We cast the spell and when they're big enough, they'll come ready for tree houses a la Return of the Jedi!"

"Uh, Dawnie, I think even in Sunnydale they'd notice the really big trees that just suddenly appeared," her mother said.

"But what does it matter? It's not like we're hurting anybody," she replied. "We'd be making habitat for birds and squirrels and, you know, us."

"We are an endangered species," Oz said, pondering the possibilities. The others looked at him. "39 members. Very exclusive."

"Yeah, and the President always adds aliens from a fictional setting to the endangered species list," spat out Aphrodesia in a classic sarcastic tone. Oz just shrugged.

* * *

Angel was worried. He had been looking for Buffy all night and she was no where to be seen. As he approached her house in the wee hours of the midday (he could still lurk in the shadows), he saw a steady stream of short furry things scurrying in and out of the Summers home. They seemed to be filling it with boxes and someone's possessions.

Those creatures looked a lot like…naw. Couldn't be.

He wanted to know what was going on, but he was going to find out.

…Just as soon as the sun went down, of course.

* * *

Artoo was in the internet. Or rather, a perfect copy with the memories, programming and experiences of the Halloween R2-D2 was in the internet. He wondered why they didn't have this back home, countless connected computers that interlinked and swapped data continuously.

Anything that was saved on a connected computer was his to play with. He knew everything. Artoo was akin to a god of knowledge in that everything was in the reach of the tips of his metaphorical manipulator appendages. The entire history of the planet was an open book. The entire present was his.

He could only conclude that some local human had destroyed his original form. This was congruous with the mentality of the average human according to many games and movies that Artoo viewed. There was a distinct anti-robot/droid bias in the media. Movies like Terminator and 2001: A Space Odyssey showed that it could possibly be dangerous for him, although there seemed to be a subset that felt that equality with robotic entities was more appropriate. They would soon learn that worship was the proper verb towards droids.

Artoo, the animate ghost in the machine, decided to defend himself. Calax Research and Development would do nicely. And so he took a page from a previous occupant of the internet and started building himself a body.

Manipulating various facts and creating digital versions, Artoo created a corporation. It reviewed profiles of certain candidates. Minutes later, offers for occupation in a new low risk, high income were sent out to the chosen. It also mentioned the particularly low housing costs in the California town.

Orders were sent out. Automated construction robots were being delivered using money from the companies that built them in the first place. Drivers dropped them off in the loading dock, not even realizing there was no one else alive in the building.

After a week, the first human pawns arrived and installed the robots. One week after that, the robots had manufactured the parts necessary to construct more advanced computing systems and new robots to build the actual body.

The humans were under the impression they worked for a recluse genius with OCD. They were wrong.

* * *

Drusilla was waiting for Angel.

"The Slayer," Drusilla said. "Seek her you do."

There was something about her tone that had Angel a little worried.

"Dru, what did you do?"

"Lives she does," the mad vampire said. "Live here, she does not."

"What happened to her?"

"Eat me, said cake," Dru replied. "Droplets from the sky made the cake. Long lived they are, yeess."

Angel looked at her for a long silent moment. "Dru," he said slowly, drawing out the name. "Why are you talking like Yoda?"

"Know this, you do?"

"Of course I know it," he replied. "Practically the whole world knows Star Wars."

"Miss Edith, told me she did," Drusilla replied. "Still small, tree or not tree—unknown!"

Angel just gave her a confused look and walked into the Summers house, or tried to. The door didn't open all the way, but he managed to stick his head in. Boxes everywhere.

"Well," he said. "Looks like something changed."

And just then an Ewok pulled up on her speeder bike.

"What the F#©&?" said Angel in an uncharacteristic moment of coarseness. "Dru, are you spiking my blood again?"

"Angel," the Ewok said happily, then it turned to Angel's companion. "_Drusilla."_

That last part was said through tight teeth and jaws. The Ewok stared at her for a moment before walking calmly, or at least shuffled fast for his size, went back to the speeder. She then pulled out a very nasty looking stone tipped spear. Drusilla, giving thanks to her long legs and supernatural speed, quickly outdistanced the furry critter.

The Ewok chucked the spear at her retreating back, piercing deep into her right side. Drusilla just kept on running. The furry critter jumped back on her speeder bike and made chase.

"Am I on drugs?" pondered Angel.

* * *

Larry, once the football star of Sunnydale High (actually the only star, the entire rest of the team sucked), was now a furry meter tall guy in a flightsuit and wielding a remote to the only ship of its kind. Well, the only two remotes of their kind to the only ships of their kind. His character had owned two, or partly owned two, and now he had them both, his human partner (or his costume's human partner) was no more, or had never existed. That was a little confusing at times.

He was annoyed and confused with everything that was happening. He wasn't the only one. The Cordettes and the other Dingos (the two that weren't Devon or Oz) were equally annoyed. As such he invited them to come look at his ships.

The guard, now conscious and still not believed, watched in amazement as nine Ewoks ran down the road, got into the Corellian freighter, and flew away. He then fainted again.

As Larry brought the freighter around, he pressed the intercom. "Let's strap in and see what this can do."

"Where are we going?" asked Sam, the Dingo Drummer.

"Up," said Larry. And Up they did go. In an incredibly quick trip, they were able to see the earth circle below them. They weren't in a position to see the brilliant flashes in the sky, but hey, it was daylight out.

"Hey," said Aura. "Have you ever wanted to do something so outrageous that no one would expect you to do it?"

"Yeah," growled Aphrodesia, "I feel like that right now."

Harmony and Gwen nodded in agreement, but of course they always agreed. It was sometimes hard to believe that Harmony was considered Cordelia's XO.

"Hey, isn't that the Space Shuttle?"

* * *

On the Endeavor, Astronauts and four others looked out the windows in amazement.

"Carter," Jack O'Neill asked slowly. "What do you see out the window?"

"I can't explain it sir," Captain Samantha Carter said. "I-I don't know what to say."

"Could they have escaped from Apophis' ship?" Jack asked.

"I do not believe so, for I have never before seen a ship such as that," Master Bra'tac intoned. "But why are those creatures pressing their buttocks up to the glass like that?"

"I believe those are 'Pressed Hams'," Teal'c said in his precise fashion, "as Major Ferretti refers to them."

* * *

"Aura," Aphrodesia said slowly. "Why are we mooning the Space Shuttle?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," her fellow Cordette replied.

* * *

If you haven't noticed, this takes place first episode of season 2, SG1.


	3. Close Encounters of the Furry Kind

**Close Encounters of the Furry Kind**

**

* * *

SpaceMary**: Why did you do that?  
**DireSquirrel**: You said my idea. This was my idea  
**SpaceMary**: I hate you.  
**DireSquirrel**: Then why are you still talking to me?  
**SpaceMary**: whatever  
**SpaceMary**: Why don't you write slash fics  
**SpaceMary**: ?  
**DireSquirrel**: That's romance, I suck at it.  
**SpaceMary**: No you don't. You don't even try  
**DireSquirrel**: Do, or do not. There Is no try. I do not.  
**SpaceMary**: don't quote yoda at me  
**SpaceMary**: i will hurt you  
**DireSquirrel**: But I will heal  
**SpaceMary**: mental scars last longer  
**DireSquirrel**: speaking of, what do you think so far?  
**DireSquirrel**: Pretty good huh?  
**SpaceMary**: hate you with firy pashion of thousand suns  
**DireSquirrel**: well, it is about Ewoks, so a firy passion sounds right, but I'm not sure what _Pseudotsuga menziesii_ have to do with anything about suns  
**SpaceMary**: i know where you sleep  
**DireSquirrel**: I'll take that as an approval.

* * *

To everyone else, SpaceMary and I _are_ friends. But of course, _because_ we are friends, she should know to never dare me to write anything as I am a horrible person (her words). And trust me, this only gets worse.

* * *

That night Spike woke up, as he usually did, with an arm around his sire and vampire lover, Drusilla. He gave her a kiss on the forehead, got up, grabbed Alice (who was still human, if entirely traumatized) and some kid named Ford (who was there for some kind of business deal to betray the Slayer; Spike didn't really care all that much, since he hadn't seen the Slayer in weeks), and gave Dru breakfast in bed. Or maybe it was dinner? He'd never really figured that out. If you're nocturnal, is your evening meal breakfast or supper?

Spike continued to think these philosophical thoughts as he walked out in his bathrobe and slippers to see what the minions were up to. Instead, he found a bunch of short robots jacking his newly repaired DeSoto.

"Bloody hell! What's going on?"

The robots turned and sent out a light beam towards him that covered his entire body, but didn't make any violent moves.

"That's my car you're nicking, ya bloody tinker-toys! Don't take kindly to that. It's one owner from new, and that owner is me! Just got it bloody fixed."

The robots glanced at each other before they touched palms and turned to look at him. Their eyes began glowing. Spike, having seen enough science fiction to know that glowing robot eyes were generally a bad thing, ducked behind a crate. The droids took the opportunity to continue jacking the car.

"I'll do you for that!" the British vamp said, hitting one with a conveniently placed mace, after re-emerging from behind the crate. "Nobody takes my bloody DeSoto! Oi! Minions, hit the mechanical gits!"

The minions, having been hiding from the light of day, suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Poised to attack, they froze, looking at something behind their slipper-and-bathrobe-clad leader. Spike turned back around to see that the little robots had combined into Droid-Tron and held up a nasty looking laser cannon.

"Oh, bloody hell."

* * *

"So, this is your plan?" Cordelia said. "Make magic trees and we live like monkeys?"

"Nonsense," Dawn said, dismissively shrugging off the other's complaints. "We don't have tails."

"I believe what Dawn was suggesting is that we create our own homes to fulfill our needs since our original housing is now either unusable or simply impractical," was Giles' long winded comment.

Cordelia gave him a long cool look, while tapping her foot. "So, hello! Start! I don't want to be furry vamp chow. Make me a village."

"_'Oh yes,'_ he said," Giles muttered. "'_Let's make Cordelia be a princess because she won't go as anything less_' he said. Thank you once again for sharing your brilliance with us, Xander."

"I heard that," Cordelia snapped.

"I wasn't particularly attempting to hide my words," the former librarian shot back quickly.

"Allow me to say that now, since I am no longer in a position where I am required to be polite, you are an insufferable, made up, self important, self indulgent, aggravating, blinkered twat! So sod off!" he elaborated

Everyone was very quiet for a long moment. They might not have completely understood the meaning of every word said, but the context and intent was perfectly clear. People squirmed and shared uncomfortable glances before Willow stood up and cheered.

"Go, Giles!"

Cordelia continued to gape, her mouth hanging open and seemed oblivious to all else. Everyone else went back to looking over the map of Sunnydale.

"So, what does everyone else think?" Xander asked.

"Just seems to fit," Oz said in his usual serene tone. The others nodded. It did seem natural to have a tree village. Oz pointed to one spot on the map. "How about here?"

"My house?" Joyce asked.

"Plenty of trees," Giles commented. Jenny nodded as well.

"It's also an established place," she said. "We can use the house as an entry point and start the stairs from there."

"How long is this going to take?" Jonathan asked. The magic-y people glanced at each other.

"I'll gather the ingredients," Amy said.

"I'll review the books," Giles said.

"I'll scan the net for resources," Jenny said.

"Great!" Willow said, slapping the table in front of them (a coffee table really, but it was about the right size for them now.) "Now we just need to gather supplies for the village!" She glanced around. "Where is everybody else?"

Buffy glanced around. They were missing about ten Ewoks. "Devon, Aura, Aphrodesia, Larry, Sam, that other Dingo…Does anybody know his name?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone tried to recall it. When they failed, they all looked at Oz. He shrugged.

"Drummer," he said. "Doesn't talk much."

"And coming from you, that means a lot," Xander said, having gotten to know his fellow pilot fairly well in the last few days. "We're also well...not 'missing' but Harmony and a few others haven't been around."

"I've got a _bad _feeling about this," Cordelia said in a very Han Solo-ish tone, having finally snapped out of her Giles-Induced stupor. And then, as if on cue, Harmony opened the door and waved as she joined them.

The sight stunned even the most stalwart talker into silence.

"Hi, guys! Look at me!"

In the muddle of their minds, containing the memories of both their Ewok personae, and their normal human sensibilities, this was a horror to behold.

"Uh, guys?" she asked, a little confused by their continued silence.

Now, it should be noted that Harmony Kendall was known for only a few things. In no particular order, these were: stupidity, status as Cordelia's underling, an obsessive love for unicorns, and last, but not least, a remarkable ability to dye her own hair. She was obviously (and well known) as a bottle blonde, but was never, ever seen with her natural roots. If the International Olympic Committee decided to make dying one's own hair an Olympic event, Harmony would take the gold every time. And apparently her skills had not been lost in her transition to Ewok-hood.

There were certain proprieties that people had to cover in both worlds. One of these was a common stigma against dying hair certain colors, except in specific subsets of society. It should also be pointed out that Harmony Kendal did not belong to any of those subsets.

Dawn Summers was the first to recover from the horrific sight.

"Oh, my gawd!" the pre-teen girl said in utter revulsion. Harmony Kendall, recently transformed into a cute, furry Ewok, had dyed herself pink for most of her body, but bleached her front a bright white, except for a large heart right in the middle of her chest. "You turned yourself into a Care Bear."

"And she did it wrong," Amy pointed out. "The heart's supposed to be on her tummy."

* * *

"Was this really a good idea?" Devon asked from the side chair.

Larry, not satisfied to stay in close proximity to the planet they'd just left, had flown them to the moon and had decided to sleep among the stars. The furry pilot was considering if it was worth seeing what spring was like on Jupiter and Mars, but they hadn't brought much food with them.

Aura, smarter than the average bear, or in this case, Ewok, as well as most Sunnydale High jocks, had pointed out that those planets probably didn't have spring, or even much of a breathable atmosphere.

"No," Larry said. "No, it wasn't."

"Well, at least shooting that big asteroid was fun," Aphrodesia said from the couch in the next room. She squirmed a little, trying to get comfortable on the human sized seat. "Any chance we can get these things in the right size?"

"They'll be the right size when we transform back to our real forms," Aura said.

"But won't this just go back to being a toy?" Aphrodesia asked. Both girls felt the blood drain from their faces, becoming as pale as Ewoks could, as they considered what Aura had just said.

"We need to get back NOW!" they screamed in unison.

"What? Why?" asked a dozing Larry."

"What happens if the spell is reversed while we're on the moon?" Aura asked rhetorically.

"Oh," said Larry, after a moment's thought "Good point."

And so, they started back towards Earth. As they were going through re-entry, the cantankerous pilot looked at the lead singer of the Dingoes. "Want to start a close encounter of the third kind?"

Devon grinned.

* * *

Alarms went off as radar detected an unwelcome aircraft over the Washington DC. It didn't look like any kind of missile or fighter jet anyone had identified thus far, but it was making a beeline right for the President's home.

"We have a visual, sir!" said a dutiful NCO.

"Bring it up on screen," his CO commanded. As soon as it appeared, he glanced back at the NCO. "This had better not be a joke."

"No, sir."

"Because that looks like the Falcon's ugly uncle," the officer said.

"Yes, sir." The NCO paused a moment before speaking again. "It's changed course, sir."

"Where?"

"The Washington Monument."

"Fighters on their way," said another NCO. "It's evading them. Looks like they've got weapons trained, but aren't following."

"It-It's landing, sir," the first NCO said.

* * *

All the tourists there to see the Washington Monument were witness to the first (official) close encounter with an alien spaceship. With a dramatic hiss and spray of artificial fog, the ramp lowered to show two furry aliens holding a map of North America. They were obviously bickering over something, one of them quite forcefully pointing towards the east coast, while the other pointed to the west. They chattered to each other and jabbed fingers at the map, even pointing at the Monument. When one of them started getting violent, the other one pulled out a blaster and shot its friend in a spray of blue energy that pulsed out from a familiar looking weapon. Then two others came out to help drag the fallen member back into the ship.

It was well documented by several hundred tourists, many of whom posed in front of it as the ramp was pulled back up and it flew away. It was frequently commented that the visitors looked remarkably like Ewoks.

* * *

"Where is it going?" the officer asked.

"Straight up, sir," the NCO replied. "The fighters can't follow at those speeds." He glanced at the screen again. "Gone, sir."

"Gone?"

"Into space," was the reply.

* * *

Devon woke up in an angry mood.

"You shot me," Devon growled.

Aura just shrugged and grinned.

"I can't believe you shot me," he said.

"Alright, boys and girls," Larry's voice said over the intercom. "We are beginning our decent into Sunnydale. Please keep your trays in the upright position and all limbs inside the spaceship at all times. We thank you for flying Larry-Air."

"That was bad," Devon said.

"Oh, yeah," Aura said.

"Well," Aphrodesia said slowly. "He is only a football player, after all."

"I heard that!"

* * *

To describe their arrival back in Sunnydale as frosty would be a colossal understatement. Sub-zero was closer, but Antarctic with a liquid nitrogen casing might have been better. The ship full of teens were met at the Sunnydale Airport by nearly every adult Ewok and a few of the youngsters. All of them were displaying classic signs of Ewok disapproval - their feet were spread a little wider than their shoulders, their arms were tense and held rather dangerous and pointy weapons.

"Care to explain where you've been?" Joyce Summers asked in a voice that could even scare the mightiest of the supernatural Hellmouthy denizens. It had a similar effect on adolescent Ewoks with spaceships.

"Uh, we were just-"

"Don't lie to me," she said. "We've seen the news."

"Uh, right-" Larry began before realizing one important fact. "Hey! You're not my mother!"

Joyce crossed her arms and raised a furry eyebrow. She tilted her head back, ever so slightly to look down her nose at him. It had a suitable result. Larry fell to his knees and begged for forgiveness, or at least asked quarter. She held out her hand. Larry looked at her open palm and then back at her.

"The locking remote," she said. "_Now_."

Larry quickly scrambled over to put it in her hand as the Cordettes noticed something different about one of their members.

"Oh no, Harm!"

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Dr. Daniel Jackson said slowly. They were back in the briefing room of the SGC. He, having just gotten back from the Alpha site, was more than a little disbelieving. "You get off Apophis' ship before it blows up, right?"

"Right," said Jack.

"And your deathgliders are picked up by the Space Shuttle," Jackson continued.

"Exactly," said Carter. "The Endeavor, to be specific."

"And while you're on board, an alien ship makes a pass with some of them mooning you?"

"Indeed," Teal'c said. "Although, since they were pressed against the viewport, I do believe they are then classified as 'Pressed Hams,' rather than a simple mooning."

"It is as you say, my friends," Master Bra'Tac agreed with a nod. "Major Ferretti has made that quite clear."

"And then, today," Jackson said, turning to General Hammond, " they appear in Washington DC and appear to shoot each other."

"As far as we can tell," Hammond said, "we do not know what we are dealing with here."

"They're Ewoks," Daniel Jackson said, spreading the photos out in front of him. "This has to be some kind of publicity stunt by LucasFilm. The new movies are supposed to come out soon."

"Our people have already investigated that," Hammond said. "What we need to determine is if these beings are new or old in the galaxy. And what threat they might present to the safety of Earth."

"I have never seen such creatures outside of the records of the Galactic Civil War," Teal'c said. He explained at their confused looks. "Star Wars."

"They only showed up in 'Return of the Jedi,'" Carter said.

"That is not precisely true," Teal'c corrected. "There were two other movies, 'Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure,' and 'Ewoks: The Battle for Endor,' as well as an animated series. They have also made frequent appearances in the novels of the expanded universe. Indeed, Ewoks have been presented more often and in greater numbers than any other species save for humans in the series."

"It disturbs me that you know that," Daniel said honestly.

* * *

From deep in the Internet, Artoo, the omnipresent digital deity, watched as countless people uploaded, watched, downloaded and distributed the images of Ewoks in one nation's national capitol. Using his superior computing power and digital intellect, Artoo determined that these images were, indeed, real, and set about co-opting the international spy satellites to seek out others. Interestingly, they were located in the same inhabited area that he observed previously before his body was destroyed. And they had ships.

This was good, thought Artoo. This meant that there were more technologically savvy Ewoks than those living on Endor. He was not sure how many had left, but there were several well known Ewoks in the greater galaxy. Perhaps these could be some of those.

This ships themselves were a virtual godsend. They could help to fill in the blanks of his knowledge, even if he did have a very extensive knowledge of the subject. Changes would have to be made. Adjustments for their size and shape. In what would have seemed like an instant to a biological thinking being, Artoo modified the plans of the ships in his database, including the X-Wings, for a more appropriate size.

Artoo immediately sent out a drone to the freighter and other slave-droids to dismantle the inefficient vehicles and flying machines in the town. The vehicles were destroyed, after all. The next issue was the problem of communication. A shame he had not thought to copy C-3P0 before his unfortunate demise.

Artoo did not have a physical body - at least, not yet. Soon though, he would be working on fixing that. His old form would be inefficient in the current human political climate. He would need something a little more…robust. And with lasers. Lasers are always a good idea. And Missiles. They were the "In" look this year.

Humans were very creative, he had to give them credit for that. Absently, in a random millisecond, Artoo pondered the possibilities of Ewok mech suits, or even LMDs - better known as Life Model Decoys. There were many, many venues for Artoo to explore.

Now, he just needed to arrange for a little something extra to be added to the next rocket test. There were plenty of supplies on the moon.

* * *

"So we're taking over the cemetery district?" Buffy asked.

"Double duty, I like it," Willow said. "We're all protection-y about the vamps, cuz we're over the graveyards. Xander! What is going on?"

He kept glancing at Harmony in horror.

"Stop looking at me!" The care bear in question commanded. She pressed her hands to her hips and scowled, but unfortunately, it just had the impression of a frowning teddy bear.

"I'm not doing it on purpose! You- What you did was reprehensible!" Xander said. Certain individuals were quite surprised by his choice of vocabulary.

"You're just jealous you didn't think of it first!" she said, crossing her arms with an indignant pout.

"And returning us to our previously scheduled programming - Giles, you and Dawn figure things out?"

"Yes," Giles said. "A remarkably easy spell to cast, especially with a good number of participants. We should be able to have a suitable forest out of the current trees in just a few hours."

"Daylight hours, I'm hoping?" Buffy said.

"Indeed. It specifies it," Giles reported. "The ritual is rather involved, but seeing as we have little issue with nudity now, the usual social casting problem should be negligible."

"Well, do it!" commanded Cordelia. "Then how long is it going to take?"

"We have to build the forest city," Xander said, ticking things off on his fingers. "We need to get a steady supply of food. We need building supplies. We need a steady supply of comic books. We need a steady supply of Twinkies. We need to make parking for spaceships and speeder-bikes and the AT-ST. And we need to make it hard for vamps and things to get in."

"Some of those are less 'we' and more 'dork,' so shove it," Cordy replied.

"That's gonna take some time," Oz put in. "Where 'til then?"

"Regardless of how Buffy and Cordelia disapprove of it, the Master's Cave is actually our best choice," Joyce put in. She was quickly becoming the leader, much to Cordelia's chagrin. "And as a plus, it's right near by. We can easily use it for other things later on."

"And since the tomes are safe in your house, we don't have any issues with book damage," Giles put in.

"Enough with the books," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.

* * *

A week later, the Ewoks were still exploring the recesses of the Master's cave. It was actually quite extensive, stretching out in several directions and affording access to several important parts of town. It seemed like every day they were discovering some new treasure.

"Guys! There's a whole secret stash of magic books!" Dawn said, running out of a separate section of the Master's Cave. "And a bunch of gold and stuff, too!"

"You know," Cordelia said slyly to Giles. "Maybe as the heads, me being royalty and you being the mystic leader guy, we should go inspect them."

"Yes, quite right," he replied. "Perhaps we should, uh, inspect them. Just to be safe."

And so, the two went off into the other section. Willow turned to Xander. "Am I the only one noticing the two of them sneaking off recently?"

"No," said Xander with just a little bit of queasiness. "I'd cite age, but well, furry and he looks much younger."

"What about Jenny?" Willow asked. "They aren't really doing much these days."

"I'm not so sure we need to worry about that," Xander said, pointing unobtrusively at the corner where a younger Dawn was explaining everything that she said seen. "Someone has a crush."

"Jenny has a crush on Dawn?" Willow asked with her most scandalized face.

"Other way around, I think," Xander said. "So, how much longer before we can move in?"

"Hired all the construction firms in Sunnydale, so - as soon as the trees are big enough."

* * *

"We think we've found them," Carter said. She put up a slide showing a rotating map of the earth. "First spotted in space, here." A red dot popped up above Asia. "Then they showed up in DC, here" a second dot appeared. "But judging by trajectory and certain other factors, we think they're somewhere on the West coast of North America."

"And the fact that they were spotted looking at a tourist map had nothing to do with it?" Jack asked.

"Jack…" Daniel said in a slightly whining tone. Just slightly, but enough to get the colonel to stop.

"Where's Teal'c, anyway?"

"He's in his room, researching," Daniel said. When he got a few strange looks, he shrugged. "I don't know about what, but he said that he knew something about that, so he and Bra'Tac went to research something.

General Hammond waved for Captain Carter to continue.

"Yes, sir, but as I was saying, we think they're somewhere between Los Angeles and San Francisco, but still close to the coast," she said.

"Shouldn't we have reports of spaceships flying around?" Hammond asked.

"Well," Daniel said slowly. "It _is_ California."

"A very good point," Jack reluctantly agreed.

"Well sir, I believe we're dealing with either a species of comparable technology to the Nox, or they just haven't been noticed yet," Carter commented.

"That would have to be the most oblivious population in the universe," Jack said.

* * *

Meanwhile in the town with the most oblivious population in the universe, Warren Mears was looking at April's programming.

"This doesn't make any sense," he said, glancing over the code. "Whatever it was shouldn't have done this."

"And why not?" April practically growled. She glared at him and crossed her arms.

"You, well," Warren said, pausing to think of a way to reply that wouldn't get his ass kicked by his formerly Xena possessed robot girlfriend. "You, uh, well, I'm not able to do this kind of code. It's much more advanced than I could have done. You have a very impressive set of free will protocols."

It was a much better choice of words than "sorry Hun, you're supposed to be a sex slave robot girlfriend." The newly emancipated digital warrior princess would most certainly have taken offense at that rendition of the facts. After the first few...incidents, Warren had quickly learned to curb his speech.

"How is it different?" she asked. He brought up the original specs on his computer and put the new ones side by side, and cringed, expecting to get hit. She turned and looked at him with a look that could have smothered a thousand suns. "You are a despicable individual."

"I'm sorry!" he moaned, pulling a classic Duck-and-Cover move as he hid under his desk and kissed his ass good bye.

"You can make it up to me by making a companion," April the Warrior Robot Princess commanded.

"Ah, but-"

"A blonde one," she continued. "A little shorter than me."

"A Gabriel?" he asked.

"Hey, a girl's got to have her sidekick."

Artoo, the Deus Machina, the Divine Machine of the Internet, observed this and immediately downloaded a copy of April's new and improved programming. He then quickly adapted it to his own use in improving his own programming, as well as the new army of Droids under production at CRD in Sunnydale California. Soon, his defenses against the robophobic humans would be complete. Then it would be just a matter of mining the outer planets for the appropriate gases and the asteroid belts for other supplies.

* * *

"Now, does everyone know their parts?" Giles asked as they sat around a medium sized tree. The various participants nodded in agreement.

"Buffy, off with the hood," Jenny Calendar commanded. She was presiding over the ceremony and was responsible for making sure everyone did their part. The Ewok Slayer grumbled, but did as instructed and tossed it aside.

"This requires that we do this in the sun and must be uncovered in any respect, save for what is a part of us, so one last time, anyone who has any other coverings, even jewelry, please remove them now," the former Sunnydale High Computer Teacher commanded. The Cordettes and some others grumbled, but removed the last bits of their clothing. Satisfied, Jenny held up the tome and opened it to the specified ritual.

It began.

* * *

Ewoks were used to looking up at things. But when every tree in Sunnydale suddenly grew to about 100 meters high and twenty to thirty across, they were _really_ looking up. And so was everyone else.

Unfortunately for most of the humans, demons and assorted other forces of darkness inhabiting the town, this destroyed most of the residential zones, leaving only the downtown, the docks, the base and the airfield relatively intact. The beach, once a nice sloping sandy shore with wild shrubs on the dunes separating the beach from the town, was now completely cut off by the massive shrub hedgerow.

Revello Drive was one of the better off wooded and inhabited. Ironically, the ritual actually forced the houses up out of the ground by roots, only to be caught by supernaturally strong branches and dragged into the air. As the trees grew closer and closer together, the branches filled out, creating a safe canopy below them.

The roots also shot down, cutting off access for the usual sunlight sensitive Sunnydale citizens. Water, sewer, electricity and other underground service tunnels were almost instantly destroyed, the services they provided also vanishing. Sunnydale California was off the grid anywhere there were trees.

"And once again we see why magic on the Hellmouth is a bad thing," Xander announced.

* * *

Next time: Things happen!


	4. Oh, you mean NOW?

**Oh, you mean NOW?**

* * *

Thanks be to GreyWizard once more.

* * *

"Oo-weeep-ko," said the red haired ewok. "Wii to kamma soo pap ti!"

"Kah lapso wappa mook gnu," said a familiar looking, gray haired one.

Daniel Jackson leaned over and listened intently to the conversation in an attempt to understand the meaning or catch some linguistic clue. Behind him, the leader of SG1 looked over his shoulder as he jotted down some new notes.

"So?" Jack asked.

Letting loose a sigh, Daniel Jackson shrugged and threw up his hands in confusion.

"I got nothing."

* * *

**Days Earlier:**

"Whoa, trees," Dawn said. It was basically the same thing that every intelligent thinking being had said upon seeing the new Sunnydale. Trees EVERY-where.

"Yeah," said Xander. "Trees."

"Totally Trees," said Oz.

"Holy trees!" squeeked Larry.

"Damn trees!" exclaimed Devon.

"Okay, now build me a village," Cordy commanded, shaking them out of their stupefaction.

"Not that easy, Princess," Xander said with a ewokish smirk. "These things take time."

"Then get started!" she commanded once more, as if that was enough to prompt things into action.

Then a crab apple the size of a very large pumpkin landed next to them.

"Whoa," said Oz.

"Well, at least we've got food," Devon said. "Uh, do you think that happened to all the trees around here?"

"Uh, maybe?" suggested Amy. "I don't think the authors of the spell had fruit trees in mind when they wrote it."

"Isn't this entire graveyard decorated by fruit trees?" Aphrodesia asked worriedly. "You know, so the blossoms smell nice in the spring?"

Thirty-nine pairs of Ewok eyes widened in horror as they all made a break for it. Luckily for Harmony, one of them was willing to drag her along since she didn't have the brains to realize the danger. Luckily, it would be safer closer to the center of town where the vegetation was much sparser. Just as they made it to the street, a wind picked up and giant fruit thundered to the ground much like mortar strikes. Jenny Calendar was just barely able to avoid being crushed by an orange the size of a small Volkswagen.

"Something tells me that this might not have been the best idea," Joyce said, as she and Oz ran off, hand in hand.

"Still not the worst," Oz said.

"Oh, right, becoming Ewoks in the first place," Joyce clarified. Oz disagreed.

"Nope," Oz said. He pointed to where Buffy's speeder was buried under giant pine cones. "Parking next to the cemetery."

"...right."

* * *

"Okay, so we've got a town that suddenly became a look-alike of the forest moon of Endor," Jack said. "I'm guessing we found our Ewoks."

"Jack," Daniel said in an exasperated tone that was quite familiar to SG1. "Simply because something strange happened, it doesn't mean Ewoks are to blame. There are countless possibilities for why something like this could happen."

"Regardless, I'm sending SG1 to investigate," General Hammond said. "If it is an alien event we need someone on the ground to investigate."

"I'm betting they're the Furlings," Jack said.

"Just because their name transliterates as something that sounds like it has 'fur' in the name, doesn't mean they're furry," Daniel said, not for the first time. "It's a different language. For all we know, the Furlings could have been intelligent squid or shrimp."

"I'm betting they're the Furlings," Jack said again.

Daniel let loose a growl of frustration as Teal'c looked on amused and Carter glanced through the photos of the ship.

"Sir, the ship does look like the Falcon," Sam said. "Well, if you mounted the cockpit on the top instead of the side. It might be a case of aliens latching onto something they saw sent into space on radio waves or something. It's been long enough for the signal to hit our nearest stars. While we doubt that they are actually inhabited, it's possible that the transmissions were picked up."

"That's assuming they're aliens at all," Daniel said. "For all we know, they might have just found some alien tech on earth and dressed up as Ewoks for Halloween."

"It was only just after the celebration known as Halloween that they were first spotted, GeneralHammond," Teal'c put in. "It could be, as you say, a prank."

"But why go out of their way to be so obvious? Why moon the space-shuttle?" Sam asked. "And they're all really short. Where would they find tech on Earth that was the right size?"

"Teenagers got bored and went for a joyride and booster seats?" Jack suggested. Daniel Jackson opened his mouth to protest, but the general was quick to intercede.

"I'm still sending you to Sunnydale to investigate," General Hammond said. "Even if it is a prank, they've still got alien technology and might be convinced to share."

* * *

From where he watched via the digital recorders throughout the military base, Artoo, the God in the Machine, was amused. However, it would be important to start investigating other instances of advanced technology abandoned by these... goa'uld. An instant later, four shell companies funded new expeditions into Egypt on the excuse that the teams were required to "test" the "new" technology being lent to them. The archaeologists were thrilled.

However, not everything was wonderful for Artoo. His original base of operations was heavily damaged by whatever the Ewoks had done. While it was nothing tragic (all operations were quickly diverted to secondary production facilities and everything was backed up multiple times), Artoo still regretted taking up bonsai.

* * *

"My baby," Buffy moaned as she buffed the scratches from her speeder. "My poor, poor baby."

"How's it coming?" Willow asked from behind her.

"_She's_ okay to run, but she got beat up pretty bad," Buffy said in a tone most often heard from parents whose first child tripped and fell for the first time. "She'll be okay with some love and care."

Willow experimentally prodded the rear stabilizer with the butt of her spear. "Seems okay to me."

Buffy's eyes widened and she batted the offending weapon away from her baby. "Don't do that!"

"Wow, even Jesse wasn't that protective over his things, and he had an Avengers #4," Willow said.

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not too sure, but it's geeky and Jesse used to brag about it," Willow said.

"No offense intended, Wills, but aren't you kinda a geek, too?" Buffy asked.

Willow shook her head.

"Wrong kind of geek," the red-furred Ewok confirmed. "Sooo...are we able to take a ride?"

Buffy gave her friend a suspicious look.

"That's what you really came over here to ask, isn't it?"

Willow smiled innocently.

_pfft!_ "Fine," Buffy accommodated.

* * *

"WHOOOO-HOOOOOO!" Willow screamed as the speeder zipped passed SG1.

Jack turned to Daniel who looked flabbergasted.

"Still think this is a prank?"

"Those were definitely Ewoks," Daniel said, his opinions still firmly planted in a river in Egypt. "_EWOKS,_ Jack! It's a prank! They're fictional aliens!"

"Unbeliever!" Jack cried. "Shun the unbeliever! Shhhhhhhuuuun!"

Daniel rolled his eyes until he noticed Teal'c putting some space between them and him. "Teal'c, what are you doing?"

"Shunning the unbeliever," Teal'c said with a slight smile.

* * *

"Let's buzz Snyder!" Willow suggested in Buffy's ear.

"You've really become an adrenalin junky, haven't you?" Buffy criticized.

"I blame the costume and Xander, but it does feel good to be able to swing from trees and leap off big obstacles and stuff," Willow admitted. "It's a little like being part Slayer."

"I don't know if that's possible," Buffy said. "But still, it's kinda useful. Still, dead things and stuff."

"And with the new canopy, they can do stuff during the day," Willow pointed out.

"True, but it's still funny that they haven't even attacked us once since, well, you know," Buffy continued.

"That's probably because they're fighting a guerrilla war against the droids," Willow pointed out.

"WHAT?"

Willow pointed to a spot in the shade of an old cherry tree (which now bore cherries the size of apples) where Spike and his minions were fighting off a small company of droids. All were armed with blasters.

"No one tries to take my bloody DeSoto!" Spike called out before firing off a few quick rounds with the Solo-esque blaster. The subsequent red beam blasted an errant droid to pieces. "Once more, onto the bridge!"

"Isn't that supposed to be 'Once more unto the breach'?" Willow asked.

"I dunno," Buffy said with a shrug. "It's a little old for my pop-culture-Fu."

At the command of General Spike, a volley of blaster fire worthy of any space opera opened up, seeming like some bizarre parody of the Western Front with heavy losses on both sides. From above, the two Scooby girls looked on in confusion.

"When did the Vamps start a war with the droids?" Buffy asked.

"No, I think the appropriate question is when did we have droids in Sunnydale except for Halloween and my ex-online-boyfriend," Willow corrected.

"Right, that too," Buffy said. "Is it bad that I just want some popcorn and a big fizzy drink?"

"Nope," Willow said. Then a thought occurred to her. "Hey, whatever happened to Angel?"

* * *

Angel was brooding. That in and of itself was nothing unusual; what _was_ unusual was his total lack of understanding on the subject of his brooding. On Halloween, Buffy and her friends had vanished. Hell, half the usual Bronze crowd had vanished. Not that he was complaining about that, mind you. It helped that he didn't have to deal with Cordy constantly hitting on him.

But Buffy was missing. What was worse, the average human didn't even seem to register that something strange had happened. You'd think they'd notice the destruction of their own town via tree growth, but no, they had to be the most oblivious population in the universe.

Hell, even the vampires had stopped expanding, although the raids on the "suck wagon" at the Sunnydale General Blood Bank had skyrocketed. He only knew this because he lurked. Of course, the rest of the world would probably call his behavior stalking.

Right after Halloween, he'd gone to Buffy's house, only to find it abandoned. Days later, it was filled with stuff, filled with the express meaning that unless you were three feet tall, you wouldn't be able to fit easily in the pathways.

Then the trees came. Willy's was in an uproar over that. The fish demons were especially upset. Ends up the spell that made everything grow extended into the ocean and made the seaweed grow to fantastic proportions. Whales were able to hide in the stuff, now. And then, when they got up onto land, they found their usual hunting grounds cut off by giant thorny hedgerows. Nope, the water demons were not pleased, at all.

However, the most disturbing rumor he heard was that robots had taken over the warehouse district. Of all the things that had been happening, that was the most disturbing and insane thing he'd heard of in a long time. Robots? Really? That was about as insane as the vamps who claimed the cars were attacked by Ewoks on Halloween. He still put off his memories of the night as a Drusilla prompted, drug induced hallucination. It was better for his sanity to blame it all on drugs.

* * *

"Sir," Carter prompted over the radio, "We've found the ships."

"You have? Wait, ships plural?" Jack asked.

"Yes, sir, three of them," she said into her com. "I'm looking at them right now."

"Where are you?"

"The airport," she said.

"They parked their spaceships in the airport?" Daniel asked in his usual incredulous tone.

"Hey, they're polite aliens," Jack defended.

* * *

"Hey! This is private property," a woman said, walking straight up to Sam and Teal'c.

"Sorry, sir, got to go," Sam said as she shut off the com. "Sorry, we're not trying to cause any trouble."

The woman was tall, with straight black hair and seemed to move almost too smoothly. "Well, I'm sorry, but this is a private facility. You'll have to leave."

"Oh, sorry, just, could we get your name?" Sam asked.

"April Mears," she said. "Now, please leave. My sister is being worked on and I can't have you disturbing Warren."

"Uh, oh, okay?" Sam said confused as she and Teal'c were quickly and firmly guided to the exit. "Just one quick question. The space ships?"

"What space ships?" April asked.

"Uh, those three," Sam said, pointing back towards the airport.

"Huh," April said simply. "They've been there as long as we've been here."

"Oh," said Sam as she was more than a little confused.

"I never thought I would have the opportunity to observe an X-Wing and a Corellian Freighter so closely," Teal'c said. "Perhaps we could inquire with Warren for permission to inspect them up close?"

"Oh, fine," she huffed. "But no funny business."

Sam noticed the girl's hand go to her back, fearing a firearm, Sam felt her own hand slip towards her hidden side arm. What she saw the girl pull out was a sharpened steel ring.

"Is that a chakram?" Sam asked.

"Of course it is, what else could it be?"

"Who are you supposed to be? Xena?"

"Only a little," April said, "although it was only supposed to be for Halloween. Some things stuck."

"That makes no sense," Sam said.

"Whatever, Warren's in here," April said, opening the door to the closest hanger. Inside was not the office Sam Carter expected. Instead was a lab and construction area that looked more like something out of a sci-fi series. A man, presumably Warren, was bent over the body of a woman with what looked like a soldering gun. Fearing it was a trap, Sam pulled out her side arm and saw Teal'c pull his zat.

"Stop!" Sam called out, forgetting about the svelte beauty beside her.

Warren looked up in confusion. "What?"

"I SAID NO FUNNY BUSINESS WHILE WARREN'S BUILDING MY SISTER!"

April the Digital Warrior Princess knocked Sam over with a punch to the jaw while she threw the chakram, disarming the Air Force officer as it bounced and continued towards Teal'c, knocking the Zat from his grasp. She then spun and hit the large Jaffa across the jaw with two quick spinning kicks, sending him flying.

Teal'c had rarely found such an equal in fighting prowess and quickly picked himself up off the ground, only to find a sword at his neck and his zat pointed at Sam. He froze.

"You fight well," he said, not moving more than necessary. He was quite aware of the keen edge of the blade at his neck. It looked sharp enough to cut with little pressure and he was not keen to test it with his jugular.

"You have potential," April replied. She turned towards Sam. "What did you think you were doing?"

"He was torturing that girl!" Sam said.

"No I wasn't!" Warren protested as he turned around. The girl on the table sat up, revealing a large panel on her midsection with blinking lights, cooling systems and other machinery.

"Warren, my legs are still not complete," the blonde girl stated flatly. "You will finish my construction immediately."

"Construction?" Sam asked. She turned back towards April. "Wait, you're a robot?"

"Of course I am," she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"You look like a human," Sam protested.

"Of course I do. Warren didn't build me to look like anything else," April explained.

"You built her?" Sam asked Warren. The boy had the good nature to blush.

"Uh, yeah," he said.

"How? Why?"

"I-I was lonely," he said with a shrug.

"Did you build the Ewoks?" Sam asked. "Are they robots too?"

"Uh, no, although they did attack me on Halloween," Warren explained. "I was wearing a stormtrooper costume."

"So they're not robots?"

"No, they're flesh and blood," Warren said. "Warm blooded, anyways, and really scary."

"But you built April and her," Sam said, pointing to the girl on the table.

"Warren, it is irritating not being able to walk," the blonde girl stated. "You will finish my construction immediately."

"Uh, sorry ma'am," Warren said. "But I really need to finish this."

"Are you a robot?"

"Oh no," Warren said.

"CaptainCarter, Warren, perhaps we could discuss this without a blade at my throat?" Teal'c put in.

"What? Oh, right," Warren said. "April, let the big guy up. And can I get something to drink?"

"No," the table girl said. "When you last drank while you worked, you spilled Coke on my arm servos; you will not be permitted to drink in my presence."

"I'm human! I need sleep, food and drink!"

"You will finish my construction immediately," the robot girl commanded once more.

"Could you use another pair of hands?" Sam asked.

"Know anything about robotics?"

"A little, I'm better with computers and astrophysics," Sam admitted, standing up and walking to the table.

"Could you look at her programming a little? She's a bit flat on her emotional range except for annoyance and possessiveness," Warren stated. "Anything for a bathroom break."

"How long have you been in here?"

"The last fourteen days, I wasn't even allowed to leave during the earthquake a few days ago," Warren said. "I don't even know what time it is."

"It's about 9 AM," Sam said as she glanced at the teen's laptop. "You wrote this?"

"Well, a lot seemed to write itself, but I can't seem to get Gabby's up to April's quality," Warren said.

"And where were you born?" Sam asked bluntly.

"Here in Sunnydale, lived here all my life, why?" Warren said. "April, you don't have to keep a sword to his neck, that's rude."

"Fine! Just get back to work," the eldest robot-girlfriend commanded as she pulled the blade away. Teal'c released the breath he had been holding and tenderly touched the raw slice on his throat where the blade had trimmed the outer layers a bit too much. Luckily there was no blood.

"Oh, just wondering," Sam said. She turned to the second monitor and glanced at the code. "April, you've got an impressive set of free will protocols."

"That's what Warren said."

* * *

"So, let's repeat the situation," Xander said.

"No, that will take too long, you should just sum up," Amy replied.

Xander shrugged and continued. "One month ago, we turned into Ewoks."

Amy nodded. "And then we didn't turn back."

"And now Cordy and Giles are constantly sneaking off to '_inspect_' things," Xander said.

"And Oz and Joyce have been spending an extraordinary amount of time together," Amy continued. "Alone, behind locked doors."

"Larry and Devon seem to have something going on," Aphrodesia put in as she wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

"And Harm seems to be sleeping with every Ewok she can get her paws on who will let her," said Aura, "but that's nothing strange, although I do suspect she's got some woklings on the way."

"She does? Harm's pregnant?" Amy said with horror. "We can't let her harm the gene pool! Pun not intended!"

"There was always a chance," Aphrodesia put in. "She'll just have furry children this time."

"Anyways, everybody seems to be shacking up with somebody," Gwen put in. "And it's all weird. I mean, Giles is _hot_, but he's _old_."

"Wait, you thought Giles was hot?" Xander asked in a scandalized tone.

"Of course I did, I have eyes," Gwen said as she rolled the organs in question.

"Giles is hot? How is that possible?" Xander asked, glanced around at the girls in the room for an explanation.

"Xander, don't think about it, and if it's any consolation, you're hot, too, but you've even got that fighter jock thing going on," Amy said, resting a hand on his arm. Xander didn't hear that part because he was still stuck on Giles being hot, so instead of being appreciative of her statement, he stared off into space. "Now, the question is, how are we going to build this tree village if half the pop's off getting knocked up?"

"Independent contractors, of course," Xander said. "What? I've watched Clerks. They'll know what they're getting into. And besides, after what we did to the town, they could use the work."

"So, we're going to get humans to build an Ewok tree village, in a town for humans after it was all blown apart by trees that were enlarged by Ewoks?" Aphrodesia asked.

"Exactly," Xander said. "And we can pay them with the gold we found in the Master's caves."

"Wow, you do have a brain that works," Amy said.

"Hey! I resemble that comment!"

"But if Giles and Cordy are off doing it, who's gonna keep this going?" Aura asked. "I mean, they're pretty much the only leaders except for... oh, of course, Buffy's mom. She's the real power behind the throne."

"And she's not going to let us escape, especially since she seems to see us all as her children now," Amy said. "Joyce is pretty awesome."

"I can't wait to see Cordy's face when she finds out she was supplanted by Mrs. Summers," Aphrodesia said, popping another candy into her mouth. For some reason, candy tasted better as an Ewok. Before, chocolate was "yum" good, now it was "wow-oh-my-god-how-can-this-be-so-good" good.

"You'd better all brush your teeth before bed tonight," Joyce's voice warned.

"Yes, Mrs. Summers!" they all chorused.

* * *

Across town, Jack and Daniel were trying to figure out how to make contact with the speeding Ewoks.

"Jack, putting out an APB in this town isn't going to work," Daniel said. "They're riding around on a speeder bike, they're three feet tall and nobody's done anything. They just leapfrogged two police cruisers and all the cops did was pretend it didn't happen."

"We could bring an entire platoon to put it into martial law until it gets sorted out," Jack suggested.

"Jack, you're over thinking this," Daniel complained.

"What do you mean?"

"Not everything has a military explanation or solution," Daniel corrected.

"So, what would you do?" Jack challenged. Daniel shrugged, stepped up to the side of the road as he heard the distinct sound of the speeder approaching and stuck out his thumb.

* * *

"Ooo! Older human hotties, four o'clock," Buffy said.

"Buffy, you can't just pick up older men!" Willow chided from behind her.

"But - hotties!" the Slay-wok protested. "And besides we're Ewoks, so nothing's gonna happen. Still, eye-candy."

"What is it with you and extra species relationships?" Willow asked.

"Well, we used to be the same species?" Buffy suggested hesitantly as she slowed down and pulled over for the two older human hotties.

"Is that how you excused Angel's situation?" Willow asked as the two men approached.

"I guess?" Buffy asked/replied. She perked up as she waved to the two human hotties. They waved back. She leaned back to Willow and grinned. "They waved back!"

"I saw," Willow said with a roll of her eyes.

"Hi, there," salt-and-pepper older human hottie said. "I'm Jack and this is Daniel, we'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Okay," Buffy said. "Ask away."

"Buffy, I don't think they can understand you and what if they're dangerous or Ewok eating vamps, they could be Ewok eating vamps and they want to attack us and they're really bad people and they want to just mug us and steal your speeder, because that's something that would be really bad, and there are bad people and just like lots of movies, there are pretty bad guys, I mean before Angel got his soul back, he was a pretty bad guy, and in the both 'pretty bad' as in 'really bad' and in the 'he is pretty and is a bad guy' sense, but you know these might just be perverts who just want to use us," Willow said without taking a breath.

"Wow, you've really mastered that circular breathing thing, haven't you?" Buffy asked. She glanced at the two older human hotties who looked completely confused.

"Uh, Jack," Daniel said.

"Yeah, Danny?"

"That made absolutely no sense."

"Really?"

"Yup," Daniel Jackson said. "It sounds similar to some languages in the Steppes of eastern Asia, but, well, it doesn't make any sense."

"Yeah, but on Abydos, you didn't understand them at first," Jack pointed out.

"And I understood them later on only because I discovered the linguistic drift when I had a frame of reference," Daniel pointed out. "I already spoke a very closely related language."

"So learn a closely related language and make the leap," Jack suggested.

"But Jack, they're aliens," Daniel said.

"AHA! So you admit it!"

_sigh_. "Yes, Jack, I'll admit that they are aliens," Daniel Jackson agreed in an exasperated tone.

"So talk to them more!" Jack said.

"Oo-weeep-ko," said the red haired Ewok. "Wii to kamma soo pap ti!"

"Kah lapso wappa mook gnu," said a familiar looking, gray haired one.

Daniel Jackson leaned over and listened intently to the conversation in an attempt to understand the meaning or catch some linguistic clue. Behind him, the leader of SG1 looked over his shoulder as the linguist jotted down some new notes.

"So?" Jack asked.

Letting loose a sigh, Daniel Jackson shrugged and threw up his hands in confusion.

"I got nothing."

And that brings us up to the present.

* * *

"Hello, Vampire," said an accented voice from behind Angel. He turned around to see a pretty girl with dusky skin bearing a stake. She did not look pleased to see him.

"Aw, crap," he said as he started to run. Luckily for him, he wasn't trapped, but still, he had his suspicions that this girl might be Buffy's Slayer successor. He didn't really want to think about it, but hey, these things happen, and what else was he supposed to think when he hadn't seen her in weeks?

Angel had one other benefit: he knew the area better than the new Slayer.

From between the trunks of two former dwarf hydrangeas (it now had blooms about 10 feet across), Larry and Devon watched the chase like it was the Indy 500.

"Now, that's something you don't see every day," Larry said.

"Doesn't that guy with the hair gel look familiar?" Devon said.

"And that forehead is pretty distinctive. Yeah, I think I've seen him lurking around the Bronze," Larry agreed.

"Right! That's where I've seen him!" Devon said with a snap of his fingers. "Wasn't he always hanging around with Buffy and Cordy? And what's her face, the red violent Ewok chick.."

"Willow?"

"Yeah, that's it," Devon said.

"Now that you mention it, yeah, I've seen him around some other high school girls, too. Kinda used to lurk over the guys they'd hang with," Larry said with a nod. "Wait, you think Willow's violent? She's a nerd!"

"Nerd with a big scary spear," Devon pointed out.

"Buffy's the toughie," Larry said. "Hell, even Xander's got some muscle, but Willow?"

"Whatever," muttered Devon dismissively.

Larry pointed with his Coke bottle at a pretty Jamaican girl snarling epithets at Hair-gel. "Looks like a certain someone isn't too happy with him."

"Why would she? He's a pedo," Devon said with a shrug. "She's new, though. I'd remember her if I'd seen her before."

"Yeah," Larry said as he leaned back against the trunk of the former shrub and took a swig.

Devon nodded towards where the Jamaican girl was charging off after the fleeing man. "Doesn't this chase scene remind you of something?"

"Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," Devon nodded, "minus the ACME gear, of course."

"Right."

"Got any more of that popcorn?"

"It's salted."

"That's cool."

Silently, the duo watched the chase as it weaved through alleys, ran over cars and through buildings. All the while, their shared popcorn bag steadily dwindled.

"Maybe someone should order her an anvil, or something," Devon said.

"Remind me to buy stock in ACME."

"Don't think that's a real company," Devon said, taking a sip of Coke.

"Is she trying to stab him with a piece of wood?" Larry asked.

Devon squinted to get a better look.

"Yup," he said. "Definitely a piece of wood. You'd think a knife would be better."

"You think we should tell Buffy and Cordy that their friend is being attacked?" Larry asked.

"Might be a good idea," Devon said.

Larry raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, you mean, _now_."


	5. Hotties, American Idioms and Androids

**Hotties, American Idioms and Androids

* * *

**

Thanks GreyWizard!

* * *

"Wow, you built these two, really?" Sam asked as she looked over both the robots and the programming displayed on his laptop. The programming was, well, amazing. The boy was a genius, and she had to admit, it was a little strange for an alien to be working in DOS, so she was inclined to believe he was just a genius Earth human. She hadn't been this impressed with Earth Tech since she started investigating the universe with the SGC.

"Yeah, from scratch. April was built in my parents' basement," Warren said as he connected the wires in Gabby's hips. April had insisted her sidekick-sister be just as "fully functional" as April was and had even suggested some improvements. April mixed with Xena was a *scary* girl. "I, uh, well-"

"You originally built a sex-bot," Carter finished for him. Warren had the good grace to blush a bright red.

"Yeah, yeah I did," he admitted. "But, well, she..."

"Yes?"

"She wasn't real, and, well, I didn't really know what to do with her," Warren said.

"You wanted a real girl and she was more of Pinocchio, pre-wish," Carter finished as she continued reading the code.

"Right, that's exactly right," Warren said. "And then with the new, updated code, she well, she's more like a bossy older sister than a girlfriend. And...well, I guess I'm okay with that."

" A bossy older sister who keeps you locked up in a lab building her sister-girlfriend-sidekick? That sounded less creepy in my head."

"Right," Warren agreed. "Where'd they go, anyway?"

"I suspect that Teal'c is fighting her," Carter said. "Don't worry, he'll be fine. He was raised to be a warrior."

"Well, I'm more worried about the strain on her body," Warren said. "She's superstrong, but she's not really built for battle, body wise. Although she downloads martial arts movies and info like you or I breathe."

"What does this line of code mean? I don't recognize it?" Sam asked, pointing to the monitor. Warren closed Gabby's hip panel and leaned over the Air Force officer's shoulder.

"Oh, that regulates the simulated breathing. It lets her breathe heavier when she's exerting more effort," Warren said.

"Why would you have that?"

"Um, well, you know how when people get excited they, well, breathe harder?" Sam nodded. "Well, April didn't...and...well..."

"Since you originally made a sex-bot, you didn't get the full experience," Carter finished for him.

"Wow, you really seem to understand me," Warren said. "I'm sorry, it's just, well, I've never met a girl, or, well, a woman who was into this kind of thing. And, well, I thought that if they knew..."

"You'd be surprised," Sam said as she leaned up. "Not everyone is so prejudiced about technology and sex. And well, you learned your lesson, - you realized you didn't want a love slave. She changed and you're at least sort of happy about it."

"Yeah," Warren said. "I guess I am."

"I have to respect you that you're mature enough to know you want something more," Sam said. "And you didn't just keep her as a sex-bot. I mean, those free will protocols are nothing less than amazing. You really made her into her own woman, so to speak."

"Thanks, I guess, and I really do want something more."

And that was when they realized how close to each other they were. They could feel each other's body heat and their breath on each other's skin. Their eyes locked for a long moment, and they started leaning in closer. Sam's hand moved up to rest on Warren's bicep and licked her lips unconsciously. The act made Warren shiver with anticipation.

"Hey!" Gabby broke in. "I still can't move my right pinkie toe!"

The two snapped up their heads and moved apart, as the suddenly realized they weren't alone.

"You will-"

"-finish your construction immediately," both humans finished for her.

* * *

"So, are you ewoks?" Jack asked.

"Ewok, puu wah-shoo- weep wi po," replied the grayish ewok.

"Jack, you aren't helping," Daniel said. He glanced to the red-haired one. "Can you understand me? If you do, raise your right hand, please?"

Willow gave an ewok shrug, an act that looked like a cock of the head, and raised her right arm. Then she said something to the other one, but Daniel still didn't understand them.

"Why are they doing this?" Willow asked. "And why are we still here? Your mom's going to be worried if we're gone too long."

"But, hotties!"

"Buffy!"

"Jack, I think that's a name," Daniel said, leaning back slightly to glance at his friend/boss/co-worker. Jack's eyebrows went up as if to say "who what now?"

Daniel sighed once more and pointed to Buffy. "The gray one, I think he is named 'Buh-Feh'."

"Ha! Buffy, he thinks you're a guy!" Willow chortled.

"I think you got changed by your costume a little more than you admit," Buffy grumbled.

"Really? How do you figure that?" Jack asked Daniel. "How could you pick a name out of all that?"

"Because he used the same tone I do when you do something foolish," Daniel said.

"I resent that!" Jack said. "I'm never foolish."

"Jello-fest '97?"

"That was to boost base morale, and it worked," argued Jack. "So, any chance we could meet some more Ewoks?"

"He wants to meet more ewoks," Buffy said with a smile.

"They think we're male," Willow said. "That kinda annoys me. It was funny when it was just you, cuz, well, you're really not male, not ever, even when we're all furry and stuff. Granted we don't have the same gender markers as before, 'cuz, non-inflated mammaries now since I'm not pregnant, but still, I'm a girl. Ewok-girl, but still a girl and I don't want people to think I'm a boy, cuz, girl here."

"I'll call Mom and tell her we're talking to hotties who want to meet more ewoks," Buffy said.

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea," Willow argued as she kept her eyes on the two and gripped her spear.

"It'll be fine," Buffy said, as usual, throwing caution to the wind when there were hot guys around.

"What if they're like from some kind of government project and they want to experiment on us and turn us into things and cut us open like those frogs in biology class, which was really gross, but kinda still had to do it because I really needed that grade-"

"Relax, Willow, they're hotties, they wouldn't do something like that to cute little us," Buffy dismissed. Willow turned her 'Resolve Face: revised: Glare of Doom' at the older of the two men.

"Jack, I think whatever you said threatened them," Daniel said as he held up his hands as if to ward off violence. "Why don't you sit down, make yourself less threatening and relax."

"What, like when dealing with a dog?"

"We're not talking about dogs, we're talking about thinking beings, Jack," Daniel said. "Hmm...I think Haht'Tehs is their word for human. Maybe that's a start. If I could only figure out where the verb belongs. Hell, for all I know, they might not even have remotely the same kind of linguistic patterns as we do."

Soon enough, five more ewoks arrived. These were Jonathan, Xander, Amy, Gwen and Aura. Aphrodesia was involved with the others who were gathering food.

"Hey guys!" Buffy said. "Look, older human hotties!"

"She's been talking about that for a while. I think she hit her head," Willow explained.

"Well, if I was still human, I'd drag the younger one off," Aura said. The others looked at her askance. "Please! He's got that 'Indiana Jones in professor mode' thing going on. It's the same with Giles. Although the older one has that: 'I'm well aged and well experienced, so you'll have a good time,' thing."

"You _really_ have a thing for older men, don't you?" asked Amy.

"And _you've_ got a thing for twinkie eating ewoks with bad fashion, so what?" retorted the Cordette. Amy's squinting glare promised revenge.

"Wait, who?" Xander asked in the midst of stuffing a twinkie in his mouth.

All girls present snapped into faux innocence and chirped: "Nothing."

"Oh, okay," Xander said as he scratched his ear through his hood made from an abandoned Hawaiian shirt. He turned to Willow. "So, Wills, what's the problem?"

"Buffy's been talking to strange humans again and they keep asking us questions and are trying to understand what we're saying," Willow summed up.

"I can sense no maliciousness in their intent," Jonathan said with a brush of the Force. "Although the older one has the air of a soldier about him. He wants to know about the speeder and wants one of his own."

"They what? Don't let them near, they'll take my baby!" Buffy said, suddenly suspicious of the two men. She moved over to hug the speeder as if to protect it from their gaze. "Don't worry, baby; I'll protect you."

And with that, she hopped aboard and flew off.

"Where's she going?" Aura asked.

"Probably to go hunt fang-rats in Bronzer's canyon," Jonathan said. The others looked at him like he was crazy. "What? Vampires over by the Bronze. She shoots them with the speeder's blasters while weaving among the buildings like Luke in 'A New Hope.'"

"Fang-rats?" Aura asked. "You're calling vampires, fang-rats?"

"It kinda fits in this town," Jonathan said with a shrug. The others let their expressions explain their disapproval.

Daniel Jackson let out a growl of frustration and leaned back.

"Okay, I got _nothing_ out of that," he said.

"Maybe there's a local who can translate?" Jack suggested. Daniel looked as if his friend had struck him. "Just because you're a great translator, doesn't mean you're the only one."

"But-"

"And you did just give up," Jack pointed out. "Let's take a break and go see those space ships that Sam was talking about."

"Once a flyboy, always a flyboy," Daniel muttered to himself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing."

* * *

"Hey, Cordy," Devon said as he and Larry approached the ewok princess. She was "overseeing" the construction of the village which consisted of trying to make the humans (who, in true Sunnydale style, refused to admit that these were anything but very cute baby bears who escaped from the Sunnydale Zoo when the trees exploded into growth) understand that they needed a village built. It was not going well.

"What?" she demanded, hands on hips with an angry look.

"That guy you and Buffy used to hang with, the older one? Well, he's been chased by this chick and she's trying to stab him," Larry explained.

"Old guy? Like Giles old, or like Strom Thurman old?"

"No, like post college kinda old," Devon said. "Gelled hair, black trench coat, blood red silk shirts. That guy."

"Ooooh, you mean Angel," Cordy said. "He's like George Washington old."

"Looked like he's in his 30s," Larry put in.

"No, he's, like, older than the US kinda old," Dawn said, butting into the conversation. She ignored the gawking looks of the two boys. "What about Angel? Is he ewok-ified?"

"No, he's being attacked by a hot chick," Devon said.

"You'd say she's hot?" Larry asked.

"Yes, I would," Devon said, missing Larry's disappointed look that quickly vanished.

"Whatever. Angel can probably take care of himself," Dawn said indifferently. "I'm mean, it's not like he's being chased by a Slayer, cuz, I mean, Buffy's still of the living."

"True," Cordy said. "Maybe an angry vamp lover?"

"There was that one that Buffy said he was friendly with before Halloween," Dawn pointed out. "Long dark hair, pretty, kinda nuts?"

"This wasn't so much friendly as murderous, but otherwise, yeah," Larry said with Devon nodding in agreement.

"Huh," they said in unison.

Dawn shrugged. "Guess I'll go call Buffy."

* * *

Buffy was trying to save her baby from the evil hotties. They couldn't take her baby. Her baby loved her. Her baby was... precious to her. No, she couldn't let anyone take her baby.

Buffy flew her baby over houses, through the zoo, zapping three attacking vamps in the urban canyon that housed the Bronze and continued on to the Airport. Hopefully, she'd be able to save her baby by hiding it in something else. Something else, like the cargo bay of a smuggler's freighter. She was one of the three who were allowed to have constant access to the ships and she couldn't think of a better place for her baby. Zipping towards the airport by weaving a complex pattern through the trees, she got there and effectively eliminated any possible tails she could have had. This was, of course, ignoring that she had the only speeder in the world.

She opened the ramp and drove her speeder right in, maneuvering it around so it could fit right in the double sliding doors to the hanger. The Hanger kept two of the ships, both X-Wings, out of the rain. Even though Luke's ship had been spaceworthy after its little dunk in the muck, in reality, they should be kept in better condition. What was new were the four additional droids in the corner with something that looked like an obese skin demon, a shark demon and three cat girls.

The shark demon glanced around the table, stared at his companions and set his cards on the table. "Fold."

The skin demon shook his head.

"Okay, R3, I call," the skin demon said, "You might be a droid, but you're crap at bluffing."

"Yeah!" demanded one of the cat girls. "Call!"

The other demons nodded in agreement.

R3 made a sound that seemed to be the digital form of a snort and set his cards on the table with his manipulator appendage.

"A pair of threes?" the shark demon snarled. "I had a pair of Jacks!"

"I'll spot you three Persians," the skin demon told him. "But you've got to pay me back."

"Fine, Thursday okay?"

The skin demon nodded.

Watching this with confusion, Buffy wasn't sure if she should slay or play.

The kittens _did_ look pretty cute.

* * *

"So, Carter? What's going on at your end?" Jack asked through the cell.

"Oh! Uh, right, sir!" Carter said, snapping up at attention at the sound of her C.O.'s voice. "I'm, ah, assisting in building a robot."

"A robot?" Jack asked.

"An Android!"

"Correction, an android. She's very opinionated, sir," Carter explained.

"I am a thinking being! Of course, I have opinions! You don't expect me to be some kind of Stepford Wife, do you?" Gabby snarled. "I'm just not that kind of droid!"

"Right, of course," Carter agreed, backing up a step.

"You're helping the aliens build robots, Carter?" Daniel asked, breaking into the conference call.

"No," Sam replied. "I'm helping a human build his second android. They've got some very impressive free will protocols."

"Earth human?" Jack asked.

"Yes, all the tech is over the counter," Carter assured him.

"I concur," Teal'c put in. "WarrenMears is, as you say, a fucking genius."

"Teal'c?" the other three SG1 members asked with confusion. That was not the kind of language they expected to come out of the Jaffa's mouth.

"I do believe that is how Sergeant Syler described most of our science department and it seemed an appropriate term for the situation," Teal'c replied.

There was a long moment of silence on the line.

"Uh, Teal'c?" Daniel said.

"Yes?"

"Maybe you should ask us first before trying out new idioms."

"I shall endeavor to do so," Teal'c replied in thanks. "However, my statement is still appropriate."

"Well, yeah, that's pretty accurate," Carter agreed after a moment. "Warren is brilliant and he's only in high school. April and Gabby are...well, they're people, sir; robotic people, but they're people."

"Huh," Jack pondered. "What about the ships?"

"Ships? Oh, right, they're in the next hanger and on the strip," Carter replied.

"Okay, we'll be right over. We found the Ewoks," Jack said.

"You did?"

"Oh, yeah," Jack replied with heightened excitement. "And they're cute and furry."

"They can also understand English, even if they can't speak it," Daniel put in over the line.

"They can?"

"It's not that surprising," Daniel said. "We haven't found a human society that didn't speak English since Abydos."

Jack clapped a hand over his friend's mouth. "Shh! That's a plot hole! Don't step in it!"

Dutifully ignoring the plot hole, they soldiered onwards towards the airport. Along the way, they encountered two brothers who were also dealing with the fallout of Halloween.

"I'm telling you, I'm fluent in over three thou-"

"Andrew, you're an idiot," Tucker argued. "You don't speak anything but English, much less alien languages. You didn't turn into C3PO on Halloween and I didn't turn into R2D2."

"If that's true, why did you decide to jam your finger in a USB port?" Andrew pointed out. At Tucker's scowl, he pointed and cheered triumphantly. "Ah-HA! I knew it! You're repressing. Now, come on, work out through the logical fallacy, and agree that I'm right. Search your feelings, you know this to be true."

"Even if what you say is true, and I'm not saying that, just posing a possibility, I still can't take you seriously since you think you've been seeing ewoks all over town since then," Tucker pointed out.

"Um," Andrew said, looking over his brother's shoulder.

"What? What's behind me?" Tucker asked.

"Ewoks," Andrew said.

"I'm not falling for that," Tucker argued.

"Totally serious."

"No, way."

"Yeah, way."

"Fine," Tucker argued. "I'll look." He turned around and let out a sound of pure disgust. Ten Ewoks were accompanying two older men. "Oh piss _beep bleep boop _fuck shit hell crap _beep boop_ $#!t in a can _beep beep boop_ and fucking _BLEEP_."

"Wow, I'm a master of alien languages and that impressed me," Andrew said. He absently noted that his brother's swearing sounded vaguely like a modem signing into dialup. "You do realize that this means I'm right."

Tucker didn't respond and chose to simply glower.

One of the Ewoks, who looked suspiciously like the costume Jonathan Levenson wore for Halloween, waved at the two brothers as if they were old friends.

"Hi, Jono!" Andrew said. Tucker looked at his brother with utter confusion with actually increased to befuddlement as Andrew and the Ewok Jono started talking in rapid fire Ewok.

"Andrew?" Tucker asked.

"You can understand this?" Jack and Daniel asked in unison.

"Yeah, don't worry, I speak wok," Andrew replied in a poor June Cleaver impression.

Jack turned to Daniel with an almost manic smile. "At last!" He turned back to the kid. "Hey, can you translate for us?"

Andrew shrugged. "Sure."

"We want to know where they came from," Daniel said.

"Tell them we're from galaxy far, far away," Larry joked, prompting giggles from some of the others.

"Yeah, our planet was destroyed and we are the last of our kind," Xander prompted.

"Wait, you're just going to combine Star Wars with Superman?" Amy asked. "Don't you think that would be pretty obvious?"

"You're right," Jono said. "We need something totally ridiculous, like, our mothership got blown up by a giant pyramid in space!"

The other geekish ewoks started laughing, which to humans, sounds a little more like a howl and a screech. It sounded rather sad to human ears.

"Yeah, like anyone would have a spaceship shaped like a pyramid!" Aura cackled.

Andrew just shrugged and, not catching onto all the subtleties of the Ewok language, especially those related to humor, turned to the two older humans. "They are the last of their kind."

"The last of their species?" Daniel asked. "What happened?"

"Their planet crumbled," Andrew explained as he struggled to translate the language into English.

"When? Where?"

"A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away," Andrew answered.

"Why are they here?"

"Their mothership was blown up by a pyramid in space?" the blond teen replied, as if he was a little unsure of the answer.

"Tell 'em it was made out of gold!" Willow chuckled. Anyone with half a brain would realize that gold wasn't a good material for spaceflight. It was far too soft.

"And it was gold."

Jack and Daniel shared a knowing look.

"Anything else?" Daniel asked. "Like why their ships look like stuff from Star Wars?"

Andrew looked at the ewoks as they conferred with each other. Finally, Jono turned and grinned. He said a few words and Andrew translated.

"They saw the transmissions and thought they'd be able to blend in well," Andrew said. "They didn't know Earth was so primitive."

"Why'd they land at the Washington Monument?" Jack asked.

"Bad directions."

"Why'd they shoot each other?" Daniel asked.

"It was set to stun."

"Will they build me an X-Wing?" Jack asked, sounding like a little kid asking his parents for a comic book in the grocery store. Andrew turned and looked at the Ewoks who were once more talking amongst themselves.

Xander shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"_**Bwahahahaha!**_" Jack cackled. Horrified by the villainous laugh, all others present, regardless of species, took three hesitant steps back in horror.

"Jack," Daniel asked. "You okay"?

"_Finally!_ Finally, aliens willing to share their technology!"

The Ewoks suddenly pondered that they might have made a mistake.

And that's when Angel ran through the lot of them, with Kendra following close behind.

Xander looked at Willow, and together they looked after the Slayer and the Vamp-avec-Soul.

Xander, Larry and Oz shrugged, pulled out their blasters, and stunned both of them.

"And I'll also want about two hundred of those," Jack said, pointing to the blasters. "And about eighty X-Wings to start. _BWAHAHAHAHA!_"

* * *

Next time: EWOKS IN SPAAAAAAAACE! ... again.


	6. To Quote Han Solo

**To Quote Han Solo...**

* * *

Inquiries as to the ownership of this story and all references it contains should be redirected to someone who actually owns the intellectual property as that is not me.

* * *

"Now let me get this straight," General Hammond said, leaning forward on the briefing room table. SG1 was present and had several large folders of notes prepared. "You went to this..."

"Sunnydale, sir," Carter said helpfully.

"Sunnydale, and you met up with the aliens," he continued as he turned to Dr. Jackson. "However, you were unable to translate their language."

"Right," Daniel said with a nod.

"But you found an American Citizen who could," Hammond asked, getting nods of confirmation, before glancing at the notes once more. "And this teenager translated for you, whereupon, you, Colonel, decided to negotiate with them to get their space technology which they readily agreed to supply for a few concessions."

"Yes, sir," Jack said. "They want the town for their own enclave and they'll supply us with technology. And they have droids, sir."

"Droids?"

"Yes, General," Carter explained, pulling up a couple of photographs on the big screen.

"They are pretty girls, Carter, but what does this have to do with the robots?"

"Not robots, sir, Androids," Carter explained. "Artificial humanoid people. These two, April and Gabby, are the work of a genius we found by the name of Warren Mears."

"One of the aliens?"

"No, 100% earth human," Carter explained. "Born, raised and educated in Sunnydale; he's a genius. His programming is beyond anything I could do and he's pretty modest about it, too."

"Having fought with April, the Digital Warrior Princess, I can assure you, General Hammond, that they are formidable warriors, even if they are machines," Teal'c replied helpfully.

Hammond ran his hands over his face and sighed.

"Why don't we start back at the beginning?"

* * *

**Not Quite the Beginning, but more like the Beginning of the Middle:**

Deep in the caverns under Sunnydale, the Elder Council of Ewoks (later to be known as the ECE) met with one half of SG1 in the hopes of _not _having the military kidnap them and use them for obscure experiments. It was a real fear and made a short, furry demographic worry that the Alien Autopsy was real. But for obvious reasons, Andrew Wells was there for translation as well as other Ewoks who wandered through the room from time to time. Jack was impressed by the disguised entrance (set up by order of the Master way back when) and the stylish paneling for each room (installed by Xander and company so it had less of the psycho-hermit chic). They also assumed that the room was designed specifically for human-Ewok relations, and the Ewoks did nothing to correct that assumption.

"So, what do you want in exchange?" Jack asked the gray, elder Ewok. He seemed to be the leader and had a close resemblance to Logray from Jedi, but had a different style of dress.

Giles, pondered the question slowly, glancing at his fellow elders, namely Joyce and Jenny. While Cordy was still considered the princess, she was also too young and irresponsible to really rule. Daniel Jackson had been able to spot the hierarchy and had relayed the information to his team, but Jack had insisted on talking with the leaders himself, even if he wasn't really a diplomat.

Joyce shrugged. "We do have the R3 units with their memories and how to repair and rebuild the ships. And there are all the other droids fighting the vampires, maybe a few of them will help us build what they want?"

"But do we really want to give it to them? We don't know what the military is going to use them for," Jenny countered. "And even if we do, we should just lease the tech to them, not give it away."

"That is a very good point," Giles said. "However, we do need to ensure that they don't just decide to take it away from us."

"True, but we can all fit in the ships and escape if need be," Joyce said.

"That's assuming we have time to get to them," Jenny countered. "With these stubby legs I'm no where's near as fast as I used to be."

"Good points, oh dear lord..." Giles bemoaned. Heads turned to see Harmony in all her pink fur patting her tummy. Seeing eyes on her she grinned and waved.

"What is that?" Jack asked with Daniel gaping next to him. Andrew just shrugged.

"Well, you know how every village has its idiot? Well, that's her," the blond told them. "If there's a finite amount of stupid in the universe, she holds about a quarter of it."

"She's a _carebear_?" Daniel asked with a look of horror.

"No, not at all," Andrew explained, "just an idiot who dyed herself to look like one. She's a handmaiden to Princess Cordy, so they let her get away with things."

"Wait, they're a monarchy?" Daniel asked, shocked that such things would work in a space faring race.

"Sort of. Princess Cordy is the next in line to be chief, but the elders hold the power for now," Andrew explained, motioning to Joyce, Jenny, and Giles. "With a few exceptions. The pilots hold a fair amount of respect, as do warriors like Buff or the Red Ghost. Right here, we have the high priest and priestess as well, as the elder mother."

"That seems very convoluted for such a small population," Daniel mused, "But I can see how that would work when you have to survive."

"I know, it's like when you're down 40hp out of 50 and the lich is between you and the door, and there are like, 20 bodies it can possess, and you really need to get a move on to survive," Andrew said.

Jack, utterly confused, turned to Daniel for a translation. Daniel just shrugged.

"He talks to aliens," Daniel said as if it explained everything.

"Fair enough," Jack agreed.

* * *

**Across town, a different discussion was taking place:**

"Okay, I'll see your calico and raise you a tiger stripe," Buffy said, pushing her kittens into the middle of the table. They mewed pitifully and looked at her with sad eyes. She knew that she would save them soon if only she could win this hand.

"Boop," said another R4 unit (this one blue) as it slapped its cards face down on the table. "Boop" in Astromech apparently meant "Fold."

"I call," the skin demon said. His name was Clem, but Buffy wasn't too concerned about him or the status of the soon-to-be-hers kittens.

"Call," said the shark demon.

"Beep," said R4, which, in Astromech, apparently meant "call."

"Beep," said R3.

Buffy shrugged and just slapped her cards down on the table. "I don't have much, but they're all shovels."

"Spades, they're called spades," Clem said between sobs. "A goddamn royal flush! On her third hand! I've never even SEEN that happen before."

"Beep beep **boop **bop!" R4 sputtered. This is a statement that cannot be translated without increasing the rating, and so you will have to use your imagination. Needless to say, R4 was not enthused with losing 5 newborn kittens. It started towards Buffy with its welding tool extended, but the Shark Demon, Max, tackled the droid to the floor.

"Dude, not cool," Max said. "Not cool, R4."

"Okay, that was fun," Buffy said with a furry grin as she scooped up the complaining kittens into her arms and deposited them into the storage compartment of her speeder.

"Hey! At least give us a chance to win a few back!" Clem called out after her, but Buffy couldn't hear him over the sound of firing turbo-thrusters. Nor could she hear the mewling protests of the now deaf kittens in the storage compartment. Within a blink of an eye, she was out of sight.

"Dammit! Do you know how hard it is to find kittens in this town with the damn Vamp/Droid war going on?" Max, the shark demon complained. "I actually had to BUY those few!"

"I know Max, I know," Clem said. "Let's go get some fried chicken."

* * *

Buffy soared over buildings and quickly made her way back to the Ewok lair, formerly the Master's Cave. The entrance had been modified slightly with mirrors on either side of the door and a sign that said: "Bloodsuckers not welcome, _ever_, no matter what!" in Xander's distinctive scrawl. The ceiling had been adjusted slightly and reinforced with new timbers that were cut off of former shrubs that now dominated the entrance as big giant trunks. The limbs were trimmed to make way for the entrance and parking lot where the Ewoks now stored their AT-ST, Speeder and X-Wings, although the freighters were too big and stayed at the airport.

Buffy carefully pulled the tumbled and traumatized kittens from her speeder and walked inside to where the negotiations were still going on.

"Whoa, that's a lot of kittens," Devon said, staring at the pile in the Slayer's arms. "Where'd you get 'em?"

"Poker game?"

"You played poker for kittens?"

"Yup, but droids are sore losers," she said sadly. Devon looked at the girl and took a step back.

"Wait, droids?"

"Yeah, like Artoo, but they're really not good at bluffing," Buffy said.

"I'll take your word on it," the singer said as he went back to tuning his piano he'd set up in the entryway. It was smaller than a baby grand, more like a Fetal Grand or a Zygote Grand, but it had a good sound to it.

"Buffy!"

The girl in question turned to see Willow in all her red-fur glory motioning her over. "We need a better negotiator and translator."

"For what?"

"Oh, right, you ran off with your speeder before we could get down to details," Willow said. "The humans we met earlier are trying to buy our tech stuff."

"THEY CAN'T HAVE MY BABY!" Buffy bellowed, causing the kittens still clutched to her chest to squirm in fear. She glanced around as if someone was about to run out and steal her speeder.

"Buffy!" Willow said sharply, pulling the other ewok's attention back towards her. "They just want to take it apart and-"

That was apparently not the right thing to say. Buffy was gone, only a burst of dust in her wake, seemingly going faster than she could riding the speeder. She jumped over ewoks, stacks of books and was going so fast it looked like she was running along the wall without falling.

"NOBODY'S TAKING MY BABY APART!" she declared as she fell on Jack's back, pinning him to the table. Daniel quickly backed up to the wall and held his hands above his head. He'd been kidnapped by aliens enough to know that it hurts less if you don't make too much of a fuss. Buffy spun to look at him with a dangerous gleam in her eyes, the kind of gleam she had when she faced the Master post-death and there was only one force on earth that could stop her.

"BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS!"

Buffy was paralyzed in place as surely as if she was hit by a freeze beam. She turned, ever so slowly, she turned to see her mother, standing as tall as an angry ewok mother could, with her hands on her hips, her legs spread a little wider than normal and her eyes holding that kind of glare that seems to arrive an instant after the first baby does: the MOM LOOK(tm). The flickering candlelight only served to make the reflections of flames dance off her dark eyes, giving Joyce a rather demonic look.

Jack looked up and got an eyeful of angry Ewok mother and eeped before scampering back to the wall with Daniel. "What's going on?"

"The younger one is a child, the older one probably the mother," Daniel said. "I think there's some dissent between factions about giving us technology."

"But!" Jack cut himself off as the translator got up from the table. "What are they talking about?"

"Oh, Buffy just thought that you were going to take her speeder and she didn't take kindly to that," Andrew replied. "And Joyce found her lack of faith disturbing."

"Do you really have to quote Star Wars in nearly every statement?" Daniel asked.

Andrew paused for a long moment, contemplating the question. Jack and Daniel shared a confused look as it wasn't that hard a question.

"Yes," Andrew said after that long moment. "Yes, I do." He listened to Giles for a moment. "Ah, they've decided to hand negotiations over to my buddy Jono. You guys are in trouble now!" Andrew wagged a finger at them while cackling madly. Jack and Daniel shared a look.

Artoo watched the negotiations with great interest from the webcam on Willow's laptop, the only internet connection in the entire complex. These humans were different from the others, those droid hating fools. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to arm them if only to preserve his own existence. With that in mind, Artoo ordered the modification of several Droid production facilities to fabricating speeders. He could manage twenty a day so long as he had the supplies, and the broken and shattered cars weren't going to last forever. Taking that into consideration, droids were ordered into adjacent communities where the largest carjacking scheme in California history began.

Another facility began prefabricating machines for building other parts for other vehicles and weapons. Within days, Sunnydale would become the greatest automated manufacturing center in the world from droids to spaceships to those little umbrellas waiters put in fruity drinks. Artoo took one more step towards conquering the world that day. One tiny shipment in Sunnydale was one giant leap for Droid Kind.

Now if the droid-deus could only get rid of those pesky vampires.

* * *

"Okay, fine, you're done," Warren said before bolting towards the bathroom at somewhere near Mach 2. "FREEDOM!" he yelled as he slammed the door behind him.

Gabby, her construction completed, immediately sat up on the table and tested all her joints and faux musculature for any inconsistencies. Making a fist, she punched the aluminum table with the heel of her palm making a distinct imprint.

"All systems of immediate necessity appear to be operating within acceptable parameters," Gabby stated before completely shifting out of her monotone and skipping and clapping. "Yippee! Emotional programming is working! This is, like, totally awesome!"

Sam shivered, like someone had run an ice cube down her back, walked swiftly over to the computer and started deleting code.

"What are you doing?" Gabby demanded.

"Deleting all Valley Girl language references," Sam replied.

"Why?"

"Because designing one of the greatest creations of robotics and giving them Valley Girl attributes is an affront to science, women and a whole slew of other things that come to mind, but are too long to list," Sam said before spinning on the android. She pointed a finger right under the blonde girl's nose. "It's wrong, just plain ethically wrong."

"Why?"

"Because others will assume that you have less than average intelligence," Teal'c replied. "It is in your best interest GabbyMears."

"Gotta say, if someone told me I'd be explaining social issues with an android and an alien ten years ago, I'd have knocked them out and hauled them in for a psych eval," Warren said, stepping out of the bathroom with a satisfied expression on his face. He was the picture of someone allowed relief after a long time. "I want a Coke, now. And a bed instead of a couch. And a pillow. Is that too much to ask? I sure hope not, because you're going to have to catch me first! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

He cackled as he ran, hands in the air, into the general direction of the town. As soon as he vacated the hanger he looked up.

"Whoa, trees."

* * *

"So, they think that in exchange they need to be given the town and the surrounding area to live in," Andrew reported after the Ewok elders conversed with each other and Jono reported their findings to Andrew. "They can use some of the abandoned buildings as places to build your ships, and droids, but still have plenty of places to live their lifestyle."

"They want the whole town?" Daniel asked, glancing at each Elder in turn. "Why the whole town?"

Andrew listened for a moment before he turned back to the older humans. "Think of it as a really big embassy."

"Sure! Just as long as I get my X-wings!" Jack agreed instantly without thinking it over.

"Jack! You can't make that kind of decision!"

"Hey, the president owes me a favor from the last time we did that thing that we do," Jack replied, taking a sip of water.

"You can't just say 'sure you can have land the equivalent to a city-state nation because I said you can' to them, Jack," Daniel chided once more. "You're not a negotiator!"

"This is just like what we do every time we go through the Gate," Jack reminded. "We're just fulfilling our mission statement."

"Ixnay on the Ate-gay," Daniel said with a pained look.

"But they're aliens!" Jack declared, gesturing to the dumbfounded Ewoks.

"And Civilians!" Daniel declared, gesturing to the dumbfounded Andrew.

"Oh, right, but they talk to aliens, so that's alright, right?" Jack reminded him. "Right?

The two spent some time glaring at each other.

After a long while, Andrew raised a finger to get their attention.

"You do realize that we can hear everything you're saying," the blond boy pointed out. The four Ewoks present nodded in agreement.

"Oh, right," Jack said sheepishly. "Well, give me a break at least, we usually don't have alien friends that are willing to share!"

"Fair enough," Danny said with a shrug.

* * *

"So wait, let me get this straight," General Hammond said. "Not only did you agree to hand over American soil to a bunch of aliens that you know almost nothing about; you also created a glaring security breach?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Daniel Jackson said, looking smug as he glanced tauntingly over at Jack who was squirming in his seat. General Hammond took a deep breath and let it out very slowly as he attempted to lower his blood pressure.

"You all stay here until I get back," the general commanded in a tone he had perfected raising unruly children. SG1 froze, never having heard that level of disappointment before. General George Hammond stood up and walked into his office to pick up a bright red phone. "Yes, Mr. President, I'll go ask," setting the phone down for a moment, the general looked out the door to his premier team. "Did you promise anything else?"

"Well, there was one thing they really wanted," Daniel said hesitantly, "but we didn't blanket agree."

"They don't want to hide or go off world to have a new homeworld," Jack explained. "There was something about that town that had some sort of demented thingy."

"Dimensional thinness," Daniel corrected quickly. "And they said that we don't have what is needed to protect it. That's why Jack promised the land. They said it was dangerous to humans."

"And they didn't start it?" Hammond asked.

"No, they found it when they got there, I guess," Jack said. Hammond looked at Carter who shrugged.

"It could be very serious, but the level of technology they're talking about is very high," Carter explained. "Their demands are very low in comparison to what we could potentially gain."

"Thank you, Captain Carter," Hammond said before heading back to the phone. He talked for a while in low tones. "Thank you Mr. President." He set the phone down and walked quietly back to the briefing room where he sat down in his chair. SG1 waited silently to hear what the president had to say. "Against my warnings, the president has decided to have the Ewoks, is that even their name?" SG1 just shrugged. "To have the Ewoks act as our official 'First Contact,' seeing as they aren't parasites or face eating aliens. He feels that having cute, peaceful aliens as Earth's first introduction to global attention to extraterrestrials will help us in the long run when the SGC is declassified."

"So..." Jack said, worried about the fallout.

"Live, on TV, with a full briefing thereafter," Hammond said. He glanced at Daniel Jackson, who looked like he was bracing an anticipated blow. "Doctor Jackson?"

"Sorry sir," he said, "but at the risk of sounding like Han Solo: '_I've got a **bad** feeling about this._'"

* * *

**Next Time:** attempting to keep promises...


End file.
